Spiders! They’re Coming To Get You!

Spiders! They’re Coming To Get You!

https://i2.wp.com/www.kendalluk.com/SPIDER13.gif

It’s that time of year when we’re suddenly under siege from spiders.

They’ve been hiding away growing -ing massive, and now they all decide they want to come and sit in your -ing living room, putting all their little feet up on your face whilst they watch the latest season of Big Brother.

Horrible little hairy-legged wank-faced twats!

If you walk around the streets in the evening, you’ll hear the piercing screech of women who’ve just discovered some house spider crawling over their Ugg boots.

https://i1.wp.com/www.thamesvalleybirds.co.uk/attachments/insect-invertebrate-macro-photographs/1795d1191909215-house-spider-tegenaria-domestica-house-spider-2.jpg

The men, choking back a scream themselves and leaving a small trail of wee like a fleeing rabbit, have to pretend they’re not bothered by spiders.

I have a pair of tonfa sticks that I use for the dual purpose of tomping unwanted burglars AND spiders.  The size of some of the buggers (spiders – not burglars) lately has meant I’ve had to take two swings just to break their backs!

One knew a bit of spider kung fu, and blocked and then rolled, escaping under the bed where you just KNOW that bastard will wait until you fall asleep and then smother your face with its big plump abdomen as it licks at the moisture off your eyeballs.

They say we eat 6 spiders a year in our sleep, on average.  Just what the frikkin’ FRICK are they doing climbing into your mouth in the first place?!  It’s not a -ing spa, you little boss-eyed shits!

And how are they move so fast?!  They never used to be this quick!  Have they discovered Red Bull, or something??

And that’s just inside your house.

Take a stroll up your garden path, and what do you see?

https://i2.wp.com/www.mooseyscountrygarden.com/garden-paths/laundry-path-stone-lavender-ferns.jpg

Nothing!

Because they -ing wait until it’s dark or the sun is in your eyes, and then, THEN they build webs Tarzan couldn’t have got out of.

And they hang there.  Huge fat squidgy body like a beer-bellied bully.

https://i2.wp.com/www.articlesweb.org/blog/wp-content/gallery/a-look-at-garden-spiders/a-look-at-garden-spiders-14.jpg

Waiting for you to come flailing through their webs waving your hands around like a schizophrenic drunk, and then they drop into the hood of your coat and wait until you’re 10 miles down the M42 at 90mph before they crawl inside your -ing ear!!!

I sprayed a filthy great house spider with 90% pure Isopropyl Alcohol last night.

What did he do?

He slowly turned around and staggered back into his little den behind the mantelpiece.

30 minutes later I heard a crash and saw he’d thrown out an empty can of Special Brew.

I’ve created an alcoholic tramp of a spider who’s probably breeding little chavvy spider kids behind my mantelpiece.

I’m either going to get the git on Jeremy Kyle, or when he comes out to walk his Pitbulls and have a spliff I’ll tonfa his ass.

And so the yearly battle begins…

https://nastyevilninja.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/ac1bc-ninja2bspider.png

Public Lemmings

Public Lemmings

http://aimlesslastwords.files.wordpress.com/2012/09/bike-racer-run-over.jpg

[RANT ON]

Surely, the first thing you were taught after being told you could let go of your Mummies hand when you were outside, is that you should look before you cross the road?

After that, if you had non-Jeremy Kyle level parents, they should have even suggested that if there’s a pedestrian crossing within a few feet, then you should use that to cross in safety.

So why, in the name of Holy mouse-eared fuckability, do so many of you braindead cunts run blindly out through the traffic at every opportunity?

I’ve just started commuting into Birmingham city centre, and was expecting to be knocked off and squished by idiot car drivers who were drinking coffee, texting, and shaving their bawbag on their way to and from work… but NO!

The things trying to kill me are big two-legged twats loping off the curb like something out of a fucking 1980s video game!

https://i1.wp.com/theappera.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/paperboy-1.jpg

I’ve ranted on before about Bromsgrove.  There’s a section of road where there are TWO pedestrian crossings within about 30 yards of each other – and what happens?

Lummox-like cabbage-fucks do that ‘just-crossing-the-road-don’t-mind-me-mister’ stupid jog causing everyone to slam their brakes on.

My mate actually hit some stupid bint here as he was filtering on his bike.  Good!  Apparently her shopping bags went up in the air, comedy-style.  And my mate and his bike were totally undamaged.

I had another one only this morning.

I saw her and slowed, she saw me and carried on without a second glance – making me slam the anchors on and screech at her in a voice so high only dogs could hear.

And I bet the dopey-faced fucktard blames ME for the fact she went pottering off accross a damned road!

What’s wrong with you people???

Your parents can’t have dropped you ALL on your heads when you were little, surely?!?

[RANT OFF]

Spiders! They’re Coming To Get You!

Spiders! They’re Coming To Get You!

https://i2.wp.com/www.kendalluk.com/SPIDER13.gif

It’s that time of year when we’re suddenly under siege from spiders.

They’ve been hiding away growing -ing massive, and now they all decide they want to come and sit in your -ing living room, putting all their little feet up on your face whilst they watch the latest season of Big Brother.

Horrible little hairy-legged wank-faced twats!

If you walk around the streets in the evening, you’ll hear the piercing screech of women who’ve just discovered some hose spider crawling over their Ugg boots.

https://i1.wp.com/www.thamesvalleybirds.co.uk/attachments/insect-invertebrate-macro-photographs/1795d1191909215-house-spider-tegenaria-domestica-house-spider-2.jpg

The men, choking back a scream themselves and leaving a small trail of wee like a fleeing rabbit, have to pretend they’re not bothered by spiders.

I have a pair of tonfa sticks that I use for the dual purpose of tomping unwanted burglars AND spiders.  The size of some of the buggers (spiders – not burglars) lately has meant I’ve had to take two swings just to break their backs!

One knew a bit of spider kung fu, and blocked and then rolled, escaping under the bed where you just KNOW that bastard will wait until you fall asleep and them smother your face with its big plump abdomen as it licks at the moisture of your eyeballs.

They say we eat 6 spiders a year in our sleep, on average.  Just what the frikkin’ FRICK are they doing climbing into your mouth in the first place?!  It’s not a -ing spa, you little boss-eyed shits!

And how are they so fast?!  They never used to be!  Have they discovered Red Bull, or something??

And that’s just inside your house.

Take a stroll up your garden path, and what do you see?

https://i2.wp.com/www.mooseyscountrygarden.com/garden-paths/laundry-path-stone-lavender-ferns.jpg

Nothing!

Because they -ing wait until it’s dark or the sun is in your eyes, and then, THEN they build webs Tarzan couldn’t have got out of.

And they hang there.  Huge fat squidgy body like a beer-bellied bully.

https://i2.wp.com/www.articlesweb.org/blog/wp-content/gallery/a-look-at-garden-spiders/a-look-at-garden-spiders-14.jpg

Waiting for you to come flailing through their webs waving your hands around like a schizophrenic drunk, and then the drop into the hood of your coat and wait until you’re 10 miles down the M42 at 90mph before they crawl inside your -ing ear!!!

I sprayed a filthy great house spider with 90% pure Isopropyl Alcohol last night.

What did he do?

He slowly turned around and staggered back into his little den behind the mantelpiece.

30 minutes later I heard a crash and saw he’d thrown out an empty can of Special Brew.

I’ve created an alcoholic tramp of a spider who’s probably breeding little chavvy spider kids behind my mantelpiece.

I’m either going to get the git on Jeremy Kyle, or if he comes out for a spliff I’ll tonfa his ass.

And so the yearly battle begins…

https://i0.wp.com/1.bp.blogspot.com/_V35DmMtv2vA/TAqE5j7yReI/AAAAAAAAADw/B0cvClPbsB8/s1600/ninja%2Bspider.png

Don’t Bother Watching The News – It’s Not For You!

Don’t Bother Watching The News – It’s Not For You!

I make no secret of the fact that I very rarely watch the news on TV, or even read newspapers.

People give me funny looks if I say that, because they think I’m ignorant and out of touch. Everyone should watch the news, right?

Wrong.

I’ll tell you exactly what the news is. A load of crap they spoon feed you to meet their own agenda. They want to desensitise/sensitise you and make you think they way they want you to. Oh, yes – now I’ve written that down I’m checking my own head to see if I’m wearing a foil hat! I sound like a bloody nutter, but I’m going to have to stand by it!

When I do watch the news either one of two things happens: I get angry or I get depressed.

My anger might be at the way some Dictator is slaughtering millions etc, but is more likely to be how they are blatantly missing huge chunks of the story which may change the whole thing completely. For example, a ‘Merkin friend recently put a link on Facebook about how some poor soul was savagely beaten by some Evil Police officer. Terrible. Shocking!

But wait… however ‘bad’ the Police are, you won’t get them handing out a proper ass-whupping to someone who’s totally innocent. Exactly WHY was this ‘innocent’ person in their line of fire? Had they threatened to dismember the Officers family? Spat in his face? Raped a 3 year old girl repeatedly?

Fuck you for trying to tell me how should think! Give me the whole story and then let me decide, because I KNOW some people NEED to get battered by the Police! The world would be a much better place!

If it’s not some ‘shocker’ (not the hand movement) story, then it’s something depressing. Something we can’t do a damned thing about, and so what the Hell is the point or worrying about it? Oh, they’re fucking us over with more tax? Go ahead – you’re going to do it whatever I do about it! Knowing our leaders don’t have my best interests at heart won’t advantage me in any way.

Psychopath went all mental and shot a load of people?

BAN ALL GUNS!!!

No, wait, you fucking morons! How about BAN ALL PSYCHOPATHS instead??

Or a celebrity has done WHOGIVESAFUCK?!??????

This stuff either doesn’t affect you, or affects you in a way you can’t do anything about anyway.

I have my own little world and my own life. I have my friends and family to worry about, and wondering whether I can afford to get to work because all my fucking wages go towards paying for cunts who never work to be given everything for free because they had 6 babies and a ganja habit they’re on the Jeremy Kyle show for.

Are you actually happier being an avid watcher of the news? I doubt it very much.

The big stories still filter through to me, so I’m not totally out of touch, but the truth is I very rarely care.

Should I?

Although, give me a newspaper for just 30 minutes, and I’ll have another 10 blog rants for you!