Foxin’ Hell!

Foxin’ Hell!

I saw an article today about a ‘huge freaky monster’ of a fox that has been killed recently by a farmer, as it was savaging his livestock.

Here’s the link:

Haul: Alan Hepworth holds up the giant fox he shot in Aberdeenshire

It measured 4’9″ from tip to tail, and weighed in at 38lbs!

Just look at the pics in that article!

So, is it only me who read this and thought “That’s about normal size for a fox, isn’t it?”?

All the “we should kill all the foxes” and “bring back fox hunting” thoughts aside (which I agree with), isn’t that just a fully grown fox?

I grew up in a tiny village called Alvechurch, where they still point at passing planes and a 5 minute walk in any direction will put you in the middle of endless fields.  I lived there until a few years ago, and up until that time would often get out and about with the local wildlife (the animals, I mean – not the drunk girls in the bust stop outside the Red Lion).  I’d see foxes lots, living opposite the graveyard, and became pretty skilled at calling foxes to me.

They’re blind as buggery, and if you can imitate the sound of a small dying creature, they will come loping over to you and get within feet before they realise you’re almost 6ft tall and rather pink looking for a rabbit.

I have a very fond memory of walking over fields with my fiancee and seeing a fox across the other side of the field.  I grabbed my fiancee and told her to stand still, then did my magic and started calling the fox.  That sounds like a euphemism.  I mean, I called the fox over and this very fine example of foxlihood came bounding up to us and got very close indeed before legging it off again.

He wasn’t the biggest, but the ones I’d see in the street around the graveyard I’d say were the size of the one in that article.  It’s been a few years since I last saw one of them, so I’m not going to say they were bigger, but as I remember it they probably were a touch bigger.  And notice the ‘THEY’ – because usually there would be around 3 that size.  On one magical night there were 5 of them wondering the roads!

Should I be calling the press?

Are the Alvechurch Foxes some freaky breed?

It hardly worries me, when as you may have read in previous blogs, I believe I’ve had a couple of encounters around there with something much bigger, and possibly cat-like…

Stark contrast: Foxshooter Roy Lupton displays a normal fox beside the 26lb monster shot by Keith Talbot to show the difference in size

Come On Then, You Hairy-Legged Bastards!!!

Come On Then, You Hairy-Legged Bastards!!!

This blog was originally posted in August 2007 on another site.  I’m re-posting it as there seems to be another plague of these huge spiders – except I haven’t seen a single one in my house so far!  You’ll have to excuse the crap camera phone pics:

Old Mr Spooky-Giblets has done it again!

A year ago, when I posted about the Plague Of Daddy Long Legs in the UK, I predicted this would happen!

Now, here is what I was greeted with as I was heading to bed last night:

That’s a spiddy that you wouldn’t get a pint glass over without seriously ‘remodeling’ the length of his legs.

As if they were planning some sort of peaceful -ing poker game or something, as I looked towards the other walls I saw this:

And this:

Ooh yes – the pics don’t show them in their full hairy-assed badness, but these are all the same size as Mr T’s head.

So I shot them with an airpistol.  Fuck them.

Ok, so I shot two of them.  The first one, I took out a trusty Tonfa stick, and after two attempts to mash me some arachnid brains, his Ninja skills proved more than my own, and, dropping to the floor, he galloped off under the telephone table.  By the time I’d got downstairs, he was nowhere to be seen.  Keep an eye on the next Grand National, because that thing needed a damn saddle on, and I’d happily whip it before it left the enclosure!  Either way it’d be a winner!

As all modern Ninja should have some firearms skill, I took no chances with the other two.

And they weren’t alone!

I’ve killed another three equally well-bred beasties in my house in the previous two nights!

I mean, you don’t often see a Bastard of spiders (that’s the collective name for a group of them) this size!  They don’t get on!  One of those fkrs patrolling the halls like the school bully who got made a Prefect is more than enough in one household.

Even scarier, they don’t get that big overnight – so where the hell were they all hiding???

I don’t know how long spiders live, but I’d bet any money that these are all at least a year old and the product of those dopey bastard Daddy Long Legs that we got millions of last Summer!

Well done to them!

*claps sarcastically*


As I was posting this blog, I saw what I believe to be Gallopy on the sofa opposite me!  This time I tomped him with the TV Guide (two hits), and put the carcass on a box of Silk Cut to give a size reference!  Bear in mind his legs aren’t what they were in his running days, and stretched out they were at least twice what you see here: