“And then gently holding her thong to the side, he slid inside her…”

I used to be one of the main instigators for ‘Sex Blog Thursday’ on MySpace – where everyone would contribute by posting an erotic story or poem.  It’s quite shocking to think that it all ended 5 years ago, now!  Since then, I’ve been threatening to re-post some of the erotic short stories I wrote for this, but with most of my alias being now known through Facebook and stuff, I was too scared.

With the suddent spurting all over the scene by E L James and the ’50 Shades of Grey’ books, erotic fiction has now gone mainstream!  So, much as I tried to do with SBT, I’m going to post some of my erotica again to balance things out, and hopefully show that to be ‘erotic’ doesn’t mean you have to include bondage, spanking, and showing dolls up your arse to write something sexy.  You might even find some humour in my stories, too!  And so why not plunge in slow and deep with this one:

“And then gently holding her thong to the side, he slid inside her…”


Yeah, they were bad – but as his finger stroked her own juices over her clit for the first time, neither of them cared.

With her parents in the room above them, only her gentle sigh broke the silence of the house, and she twisted next to him on the couch so that he could move his hands easier beneath her skirt.

He kissed her hard, one arm around her back as his other hand worked deep beneath her black lacy underwear.  The curve of her hips always seemed designed for his hands, and he pulled her tighter towards him.

Breaking off the kiss with another gasp, her hair fell forward over her face as her hands scrabbled at his trousers.

He took the moment to deeply inhale the clean smell of her hair, her perfume topping it off as she released him to the cool air in the room.

She pushed him back firmly as her hot lips slid over him, tongue flicking at him, only taking him in her mouth for a few strokes before he sat back on the couch herself.

He smiled, slipping off the couch to his knees, a hand on each of her spread thighs running up to move her skirt higher, then pulling her hips sharply towards his own as he shuffled closer between her legs.

She hooked a finger around the delicate material of her thong, and pulled it to one side, watching his face as he followed her fingers.

No further invitation was needed, but the hushed “I want your cock” sent tingles down his spine just as much as the feeling of his tip against her warm wetness.

He slid slowly and deliberately all the way inside her, watching himself sink into her, and only looking up to see her head thrown back in ecstasy when he could push in no further.

He held himself there, and then lifted her hips off the couch, pulling her even more onto him, watching her face intently.  He lowered her as he slowly slid all the way out of her, her eyes flicking open to meet his for a fleeting second before he thrust quickly and deeply into her, lifting her with his hands again.

This time she cried out, biting the knuckles of one hand to stifle the cry, and grabbing at his arms.

Leaning forwards over her as he fucked her rhythmically, his hands moved to her breasts, and hers clawed at the back of his shirt.

She pushed him away from her, and turned herself so she was on all fours bent over the couch.

He pulled her thong to the side once again, before grabbing her hips hard and plunging into her again, slowing as the couch creaked, then speeding up again, unable to stop themselves as she pushed back hard against him with each thrust.

Both sweating now, she turned back around, arms around his neck as they kissed and moved with each other.

She buried her face against his shoulder to stop herself from crying out, feeling his body starting to tense up, and that’s when the bedroom door above them opened!

They both stopped dead, listening to the footsteps to see if they were headed down the stairs, and she clenched tightly around him, hoping to stop him from cumming.

He let out a throaty yelp as his orgasm came, the feel of her around him pushing him over the edge rather than holding him back, and her arms wrapped around him almost painfully as his spasms took her into her own release.

For long moments they stayed like that together, thankfully hearing the footsteps moving to the bathroom upstairs.

“I didn’t want you to cum!”  She whispered. “I thought that would stop you!”

He groaned and kissed her.

“No chance when you feel that good…”


Utterly Shit New Facebook Feed – Go And Die

Utterly Shit New Facebook Feed – Go And Die

All day I saw people whinging about yet more new and unoptoutable (is that a word?) changes that Facebook were making.  I couldn’t see much difference apart from some of my groups in the list were missing.  Or MORE, I should say, as the rest disappeared a while back during other changes…

Getting back tonight and sitting down with a nice monkfish tail and noodles, I called up Facebook and… It’s here!


What, in the blue-arsed spasticated baboons arse of a CUNT have they gone and done now?!?

For fucks sake!

I’m greeted with ‘Top Stories’.  Thanks, but no thanks.  Good idea, but useless to me.  How do I change it back?  I can’t??

Ok, so I go down the list of posts on my news feed, and click the options tag to the right of their post, to find that by default, I’m only going to see ‘most’ of that friends posts on Facebook.  I have to go through the 300-odd (some very odd) friends on their individually to change this so I can see ALL their posts like before??  FUCK YOU.  FUCK YOU RIGHT UNDER THE FINGERNAILS WITH THE EDGE OF A CORRUGATED PIZZA BOX, YOU UTTER CUNTS!!!!


Surely the default setting should be to see ALL posts, and in time order from the most recent??  That’s the whole fucking point of Facebook??

I’m only on there to keep in touch with friends, and more importantly to be ENTERTAINED by what they say!  I like to think some on there will be ENTERTAINED by what I post, too!

But are they even seeing it now?  Am I seeing them?

Have they sold Facebook to MySpace?  Because I loved that place until they utterly fucked it up to the point where I scrapped my 1 million view blog to start again from scratch on a site that wasn’t shit!

Facebook has done even worse, because where MySpace simply ignored anything to do with blogs, FaceFuck has directly fucked up the entire point of being there.


*applauds sarcastically*

And you film was shit, too.


https://i0.wp.com/www.evilmilk.com/pictures/Fuck_You403.jpg Facebook, being the ball that Facebook dropped, yesterday.



FckMeHardRichard1 : hey

FckMeHardRichard1 : asl?

MrFiction : pig off, Boney

FckMeHardRichard1 : excuse me?

MrFiction : you heard me, you goat-faced quimbag

FckMeHardRichard1 : do I know u?

MrFiction : yeah – i’m stood behind you!!!!!!!

FckMeHardRichard1 : ? this is a chick, I hope u don’t think I am a guy

MrFiction : well…

MrFiction : you DO have the name Richard….

MrFiction : i once met a girl like that

MrFiction : and she had….. you know…… lumps

FckMeHardRichard1 : yeah, it’s telling a guy to fuck me, unless I was gay that don’t make sense

MrFiction : i’d still feel quite gay if we made a go of things and i ended up saying “I love you FuckMeRichard”

MrFiction : do you see??

FckMeHardRichard1 : k, i’m not a guy, i’m a chick

MrFiction : like Foghorn Leghorn?

FckMeHardRichard1 : ur something.

FckMeHardRichard1 : am I at least going to get an age out of u?

MrFiction : iron

MrFiction : do i win a monkey?

FckMeHardRichard1 : u know I can get nasty to if u want me to

MrFiction : is he a female too??

MrFiction : i’ll just speak to you, if that’s ok?

FckMeHardRichard1 : do you still think I am a guy

MrFiction : no Richard

FckMeHardRichard1 : well, just so ya know my name is Melanie

MrFiction : FuckMeHardMelanie?

FckMeHardRichard1 : why are u in a chat room if all u are going to do is attempt to insult ppl?

MrFiction : perhaps i’m a Professional Insulter?

MrFiction : you’d feel silly then, wouldn’t you?

FckMeHardRichard1 : actually I don’t really give a fuck.

FckMeHardRichard1 : i’ll probly never meet u so why would I care.

MrFiction : well that’s not the attitude to take, young lady!!

FckMeHardRichard1 : well fuck you, i’m not a fucking lil girl like u think I am

FckMeHardRichard1 : what r u sexist or a male chovonist pig?

MrFiction : i don’t think this convo is an ideal base for arranging a meeting

MrFiction : what’s worse than a Male Chauvenist Pig???

MrFiction : a woman who won’t do what she’s told

MrFiction :

FckMeHardRichard1 : maybe the woman won’t do what she’s told because the “man” doesn’t know what he asking

MrFiction : female chauvenist pig!!!!

FckMeHardRichard1 : all I have to say is your gonna be sorry someday if u ever realize who I am

MrFiction : are you Tony Blair????

MrFiction : cause you tried this last week

FckMeHardRichard1 : what the hell, I haven’t been in this chatroom for over 2 weeks

MrFiction : that’s a long time in chat terms…

FckMeHardRichard1 : u obviously have me mistaken for someone else, but thats not suprising that u can’t contain that much information in your brain

FckMeHardRichard1 : oops did I say brain? my mistake, you don’t have one!

MrFiction : it’s only the size of a small honey-melon, you know

MrFiction : softer though

MrFiction : more like a rotten trout, really…

FckMeHardRichard1 : ye, and we only use less then half of it

FckMeHardRichard1 : whats ur point

MrFiction : i don’t know – perhaps i’m getting started early on being sorry for realising who you are?

FckMeHardRichard1 : man, your such a fuckig cunt

MrFiction :

FckMeHardRichard1 : what r u, american?

MrFiction : LANGUAGE!!!!!

FckMeHardRichard1 : sorry I didn’t realize u were Mrs.Virgin Ears

MrFiction : i don’t mnd the “cunt” – but calling me “American”????

MrFiction : that’s harsh

MrFiction : so who are you, then???

MrFiction : hmm??

FckMeHardRichard1 : actually, i’d rather not tell u

MrFiction : why’s that?

FckMeHardRichard1 : now that u have made such a big deal about thinking I am some guy u have problem with

FckMeHardRichard1 : he ur ex boyfriend or something?

MrFiction : Tony?

MrFiction : no – he’s a Prime Minister

FckMeHardRichard1 : what the fuck, I already told you, my name is Melanie, but I guess ur incapable of remembering that too

MrFiction : but after that you said i’d be sorry when i realise who you are

MrFiction : see?? I listened, i did!!

FckMeHardRichard1 : yeah, I never told u my last name either did I

MrFiction : Sykes???

MrFiction : i LOVE you!!!!!!!

FckMeHardRichard1 : a first name means nothing, i’m just trying to make u realize that I am not a fucknig guy u probly slept with an then he never called u back….

MrFiction : (well – you were better withe long hair)

MrFiction : how’s Des?

FckMeHardRichard1 : Des? wtf

MrFiction : i thought you were Mel??

FckMeHardRichard1 : Melanie

MrFiction : Sykes*

FckMeHardRichard1 : who the fuck is Des

MrFiction : i dunno – some old crooner….. Lynham, is it??

FckMeHardRichard1 : I don’t know who the fuck u are talknig about

FckMeHardRichard1 : ur probly some sad skitso takin about urself

MrFiction : no….. i’m not called Des….

FckMeHardRichard1 : I don’t fucking care what u call urself

MrFiction : oooooooOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo!!!!

MrFiction : you did earlier….

FckMeHardRichard1 : have u clicked in yet that I am not a guy and my name is not richard?

MrFiction : ye Tony

FckMeHardRichard1 : did as in the past tense

FckMeHardRichard1 : tony as in another guy?

MrFiction : no – he’s female too

FckMeHardRichard1 : man ur fucking hopless

FckMeHardRichard1 : I really wish you lived in the same town as me, I could get so many ppl after you

FckMeHardRichard1 : I wouldn’t even be sorry when it was ove

MrFiction : why??

FckMeHardRichard1 : over*

MrFiction : *overy

FckMeHardRichard1 : what the fuck? Overy?

MrFiction : it’s where they keep birds

MrFiction : i think

FckMeHardRichard1 : yes yes, of course you think, only cuz you don’t know anything!

MrFiction : i don’t understand

MrFiction : you’re male?

FckMeHardRichard1 : of course you don’t understand

FckMeHardRichard1 : I am a fucking female, not a fucking male, but your probly a trans so u don’t know the difference

MrFiction : so you don’t fuck males??

MrFiction : lesbian?

MrFiction : this is sooooo complicated!

FckMeHardRichard1 : i’m a fucking female who fucks guys because I am fucking straight

MrFiction : so is Richard a lesbian?

FckMeHardRichard1 : you know what, that was along time ago, richartd is a fucking guy, I don’t fucking like him anymore just like I fucking hate you

FckMeHardRichard1 : I have better things to do and I have to go

FckMeHardRichard1 has left the conversation.

Cuando Monos Vuelven De Mi Culo

Cuando Monos Vuelven De Mi Culo

Following on from my recent rant about people refusing to try ‘foreign food’…  Spanish (or “Ess-pan-yol” as we say in Birmingham) is the language out of the 7 I know to various degrees that I’ve found easiest to learn.

Unlike English and Japanese, and German-when-you-get-to-the-verbs, it all makes perfect sense!  Seriously, some of you reading this from outside the UK may not know (Un burro sabe mas que tu!) that even though Spanish is the worlds second biggest language and by far the easiest to learn, we get forced to learn French instead.

And I mean FORCED.

After 5 years of French in school, with some cunt-wig of a teacher bullying me, I finally managed to get out of it in favour of learning Spanish.  Ironically, this was after having also been forced to learn a year of German, and even more ironically it was only the Thick Kids who were given the option to learn Spanish!

How fucking retarded that those of us with the brians to be in top group were made to learn useless languages rather than the second biggest in the damn world???

Yes, I am still bitter, and with good reason.  I learnt more in six months of Spanish than I did in 5 years of French or a year of German (which itself was equal to 5 years of French, too).  OK, I wouldn’t mind going to Germany, and I listen to some German Industrial music, but fuck France!  When am I going to need that shit other than when I’ve downloaded a French film with the wrong subtitles???

*stares out of the window trying to remember the point of his blog*

Yes, so since school I didn’t need Spanish until a holiday when I was 27.  I brushed up on the basics, and sincerely think my holiday was vastly improved because I could struggle through the native language.  I just decided I’d better take a look at some basic phrases again, and was amazed at how quickly and easily it all came back to me!

Which brings me to another thing!  When looking at the online reviews of our hotel, one of the most common complaints was:

“The hotel staff only seem to speak basic English!”

You have GOT to be shitting me???

I can actually feel the sweet tides of Rage seeping through my body typing that statement out.



Scum like these idiots really should be banned from ever leaving their hometown!

I am horrifically embarrassed to be English when I’m abroad.  Oh my God, what if they think I’m like them???

One more reason to speak their lingo as much as I possibly can…

Oh, and for that little bit extra, I’ve finally found a truly excellent website that I thought disappeared years ago, which has, shall we say… more interesting phrases which may be useful: www.insultmonger.com

Now, veta a la mierde!

EROTIC STORY: “On A Crowded Train…”

EROTIC STORY: “On A Crowded Train…”

When he whispered urgently in her ear, “Take them off”, she wasted no time in pushing through the crowded train to the toilet.

After pressing her back against his throbbing erection one more time, of course.

She returned and greeted him with a kiss as he pulled her to him.

“Give them to me.”

She retrieved her thongs from her purse and stuffed them into his jacket pocket, knowing he thought she was calling his bluff.

His eyes sparkled as he ran his strong hands over her hips, down the mini-skirt and dragging his nails gently over the exposed flesh of her thighs.

“What do you want to do to me?” she purred in his ear.

“I want you so much…” he replied.  One of the nearby passengers glanced their way, as if he’d overheard.  She felt herself get wetter at the sound of his voice and the thought that the stranger now knew what was coming as well as her.

She turned her back to him, and he slid his arms around her waist as she pressed against him again.

She eased forwards slightly and slipped her hand between them, sliding his zipper down and reaching inside.

He sighed in her ear as her warm hand wrapped around him, carefully guiding his penis out into the cool open air.

The train pulled into a stop, and she kept him in her hand, then just as the doors opened she slipped him between her legs, holding him between her thighs and pressed against her.

A few people stepped off the train, and more got on, creating even more of a crush.  She moved her hips slightly, her wetness letting him slide easily against her as she pushed him back harder into the corner.

As the doors closed, she slightly lifted one leg, and it was all she could do to stop herself crying out as he entered her quickly and easily.

He kissed her lightly on her neck, just below her ear and she shivered.  He was pressing hard against her g-spot.

She looked around her to see everyone was avoiding eye contact with everyone else, as usual.  It just looked like he was stood innocently with his arms around her.  She smiled, and wondered if any knew more was going on.  Maybe some were watching from the reflections in the window?

He lightly bit her earlobe, and she closed her eyes.  The constant buffeting from the train, and it’s subtle rocking motions were doing a lot more for the sensation than she thought they would.

His arms tightened around her as if he was thinking the same, then he quickly shifter her hips, and she was glad he’d tightened his grip to stop her from bending forwards.

They were both breathing deeply, hearts pounding so hard with the excitement it was a miracle if none of the people stood next to them couldn’t hear it!

She wanted to touch herself – she wanted his fingers touching her, but had to resist, instead grasping at the back of his thigh with one hand.  He responded by easing into her even more.

He smiled looking down at her and seeing her starting to flush over her chest.

She teased him inside her using her muscles, and he almost groaned out loud, quickly recovering it to fake a cough.

He throbbed inside her and she knew he was close, as was she, but the train slowed again as it pulled into a station.

As it braked she let the forces press her against him, feeling his whole body twitch subtly as he fought against his imminent orgasm.

She barely noticed the people moving past her through the open doors, staring intently at the Exit sign over the opposite door, so turned on that if anyone brushed her nipple as they squeezed through it would undoubtedly send her over the edge.

It seemed like an eternity until the door closed again, the acceleration pulling her slightly away from him and making her eyes roll back in her head.

She felt him swell inside her, and felt the heat as he came inside her as he pulled her back onto him, squeezing her hard around her middle, and she heard herself whimper far away as the rolling tides of her own orgasm crashed over her.

Her legs went weak and she sagged against him, turning her head to the window but knowing people had turned around at her cry.

He nuzzled into her neck, kissing her again.

She waited a few long minutes with him inside her, until they approached the next station.  As they slowed he withdrew from her and tucked himself away as the train came to a stop.  They both stepped off ahead of the crowd, and he wrapped his arms around her again.

Neither dared look back at the train at the accusing faces…  But they laughed…