Revenge Of The Spiders

Revenge Of The Spiders

Most of you are by now aware of my raging war against my sworn mortal enemy – the spider.

Well, it’s not ALL spiders.  A few weeks back, one of the other Legal Monkeys discovered a small spider on his desk.  He named him ‘Pablo’, and Pablo was a good spiddy, who never caused anyone any harm.

I saved him from the be-gloved hand of the cleaners several times, but whilst on holiday Pablo was brutally drowned in another of the Legal Monkeys can of Coke.

Not long before that I discovered ‘Lifty’ – a house spider who very weirdly would lay on his belly and lift all his legs in the air if you blew on him.

He’d gone before I could get the HD cam out for proper footage the following morning.

Fast forwarding to later that week, another huge (Bad) spider was having a swing around my house, no doubt planning all kinds of hairy-legged badness – and of course, being over the size of a small childs fingernail had to be killed for the sake of all humanity.

As he was a big ole bad boy, I couldn’t risk him grabbing hold of my Ginty Stick and beating me to death, so I drew my trusty air pistol and shot him.

It seems that this filthy great lummox of a spider had some connections, and last night I was the victim of a violation of terrible proportions…

As I sat alone on the couch, watching ‘The Inbetweeners’, I felt a wee itch on my shin.  I idly scratched at it only to feel it itch even more.

Thinking I had a fly up the leg of my jeans, or some fluff or something, I grabbed the leg of my jeans and gave it a good wiggle, and then

A BIG FILTHY GREAT SPIDER DROPPED OUT ONTO THE CARPET!!!

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I was sick in my mouth a little with the shock, and the only small pleasure I could try and take from the whole ordeal was watching Legrape The Spider running around in circles as the legs on one side were all damaged where I’d scratched at him through my jeans!

After a while I put a sock over my hand and gently punched him to death.

The spider

SCREW YOU, LEGRAPE!!!

SCREW YOU!!!

Yeah, So I Lived In A Haunted Cottage – I turned Out (kind-of) OK!

Yeah, So I Lived In A Haunted Cottage – I turned Out (kind-of) OK!

I’ve mentioned in previous blogs that I’ve had ‘encounters’ with ghosty-type stuff.

From when I was about one year old until I was 5, I lived in a tiny cottage with my Nan, Mother, Grandparents and brother. It was one of those Tudor (?) type ones – all black and white and beams and stuff. My Grandparents (on my Mothers side) both died when I was young, so I’m a little hazy over the timelines. Actually there’s a story about my Gran I’ll have to tell, too…

One of my earliest memories is us all sitting in the living room, and hearing footsteps walking across the room above us. At the time it was my Grandparents room, and there was a big double bed in the middle of the room. The footsteps would go straight through the bed, but my Granddad would simply say “She’s walking again.” And that was it. It was also a regular thing to hear someone descending the stairs, then when they reached the bottom, the door at the bottom of the steps would blow open with some ‘freak gust of wind’. And to us it was just normal!

I have to tell this story: Once my Gran was really ill with an ulcer on her leg which had burst. She was bed-ridden. People would go and check on her through the day, and take her food etc.

One day, when someone went to check on her, she said “Who was the visitor I had earlier?”

She hadn’t had any visitors that day. But she insisted “She was sat on that chair over there with a baby in her lap. She didn’t say much, but she had a nice smile.”

Of course, it was put down to her illness and delirium…

When my Grandparents had both died (come to think of it my Granddad died in that room of a massive heart attack!), me and my brother had separate beds moved into that room. Now, I only remember it as being every so often, but apparently every single night I slept in that room, I would wake up screaming.

But I DO remember the reason.

I would wake up, and there’d be no air. The bedclothes were over my head. I was in darkness and the air was getting thin. Usually this was when the panic hit and I’d start screaming until good old Mumsy came in and got me out.

But I was a bright kid (believe it or not), and so sometimes when it happened – and I can remember doing this – I’d stay calm, and work my way around all the edges of the bedclothes, trying to find a way out. All the time in the pitch black with the air going and panic rising. But I could NEVER find a way out – however much and for how long I searched, I’d have to scream for help eventually…

Some relevant facts we found out more than 10 years later:

The ‘apparition’ (there’s plenty more sightings of her by lots of people) is thought to be Miss Morris.

It’s believed she had a baby, but for some reason (possibly post-natal depression) she killed her baby….

……….By suffocating it in its cot.

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Stalker, Stalker, Creepy Fawker

Stalker, Stalker, Creepy Fawker

stalker (stalkers plural )A stalker is someone who keeps following or contacting someone else, especially a famous person or a person they used to have a relationship with, in an annoying and frightening way.

I believe the figures used to show that one in every three women would be the victim of a stalker at some point in their life, to varying degrees.  Men getting stalked aren’t far behind, although for the most part we like to think of stalking as happening to poor defenceless women.

The word ‘stalker’ is thrown around far too much these days, but here I’m not talking about some creepy guy who comments on all your facebook pictures with suggestive comments, or someone sending random ‘meet me for a drink’ emails on MySpace.

The reality is that the real life stalker doesn’t look like some kind of filthy perve.  Hell, I’m betting that almost everyone here has had a quick stalk of an ex boyfriend or girlfriend.  Either taking a drive past their house to see if they’re in (or to see if a chain of filthy skanks is going in and out of their house day and night!!!), or at the very least you’ve had a good browse of their Facebook pictures since you broke up.

Whilst I can’t say this kind of behavious is exactly ‘normal’, it is understandable after you’ve been in a relationship with someone.

But what about if it’s with someone who you’ve never met?

When I was self employed in the private investigations field, there was a time when I was seriously looking at starting a firm with a partner specialising in anti-stalking.  At that time there were only 10 such firms in the world!  We also looked at several live cases for training purposes.

One of these cases involved a Nutter (male) who had made advances towards a happily married woman.  She had, of course, turned him down, joking that if she didn’t have a husband then he might have a chance with her.

Her husband then died in an unrelated accident, and Nutter was straight around to her house like some kind of stalky Rumpelstiltskin to collect on her ‘promise’.

She told him to go shove his head up a dead badgers ass (or words to that effect), at which point Nutter promptlywent and dug up her dead husband and placed his body on her doorstep to find the next morning.

That’s one of the more extreme examples, but I’m sure all of you know of someone who’s been harrassed.

The most common is an ex turning up at your house, watching your house, or popping up in places where you normally go like some kind of freaky jack-in-the-box.

Why do they do it?

A lot of people who get charges filed against them under the Threat Harrassment Act are otherwise normal people (for big pink talking monkeys, anyway).

The main reasons are jealousy and the inability to let go.  We all go a little crazy when change is thrust upon us, especially with a hefty dose of loss also thrown in there.

It’s the hardest thing in the world to lose someone (even if we never technically had them in teh first place, you Nutter), and the easiest thing to pick up that phone and call them 200 times a day, or just park up outside their place of work to see them as they leave…

But you can’t do that!

Let it go, you weird little badger-brained looney!

If you do find yourself as a victim of a stalker, the best advice I can give to you is to keep a record of EVERYTHING that happens – time, dates, places, witnesses… even the weather at that time!  Build up as much of a case as you can, because whilst most Police forces are absolutely crap at handling these cases, they CAN do something if you have enough to make it worth their while.

There are solicitors out there who can help with the civil litigation of setting up injunctions against people.

It’s either that, or two large mates, the back of a shovel and a bag of quicklime…