Spy Didn’t Padlock Himself Into Bag Shocker!!!

Spy Didn’t Padlock Himself Into Bag Shocker!!!

I made the mistake of switching the 1 O’Clock News on today.  The lead story?

An inquest has found that an MI6 operative might not have padlocked himself inside a sports bag in his own bathtub.



This is wrong on soooooo many levels, that whilst I calm myself and stop making spakka noises at the TV, I shall give you a link to the full story:


MI6 officer inquest shown bag closure attempts

Footage of separate attempts by two experts to lock themselves into a bag has been shown at the inquest into the death of MI6 officer Gareth Williams.

The body of Mr Williams, 31, from Anglesey, was found in a holdall in the bath of his London flat in August 2010.

William MacKay, who said his military career made him adept at working in confined spaces, struggled to shut the bag and he caused damage to the zip.

Peter Faulding said it was very awkward and the “temperature rose fast”.

Mr MacKay told the inquest – which is trying to establish whether Mr Williams was locked in the bag by another person or did it himself – that locking the bag was a skill that would have required training but that once a person had done it, they could not get out.

He added: “There are people around who can do amazing things and Mr Williams may well have been one of those persons.”

But the next expert witness, Mr Faulding, said that he had tried and failed to lock the bag from inside 300 times – and added that he was sure it could not be done.

And so on…

Right.  First off are they trying to say that someone went all David Blane and put a holdall in the bathtub, climbed into it, padlocked it, and then tried to Houdini their way out?  Or that they climbed inside for some very bizarre emo suicide attempt?  And wouldn’t using a hammer be easier if it was the latter?

Secondly, how the fuck is this the primary news story today?!  Note that this actually happened in 2010!  This is just the Government/Judicial system spending millions to find out, two years later, whether it’s possible that someone else may have been involved.  I could have saved them all time and money by saying OF COURSE SOMEBODY ELSE WAS PROBABLY INVOLVED!!!

*Feel free to send me a message through WordPress if you need an Expert Witness for any similar cases – I offer discount rates for block bookings.*


And then, THEN we get to the core of this!  This was an MI6 operative – or a Spy in laymans terms.  So essentially this is another ‘Spy Gets Murdered’ shocker story!  A bit like a ‘Soldier Gets Shot At’ shocker, or ‘Government Are Dumbass Cunts Who Rip You Off Yet Again’ shocker.

Anybody who’s ever watched James Bond or even Austin Powers will be aware that spies kill each other.  It’s sort-of what they do.

Surely, the first person who found this mans body padlocked inside a bag in his bath immediately thought “Shit, someone’s murdered Agent Gaz!”, rather than “Oh wow!  Gareth seems to have accidentally killed himself by climbing inside a holdall and padlocking it!”?

Am I missing something here or has every other cunt gone mental whilst I wasn’t looking???

BONUS FLIDDISHNESS:  As an aside, the weather expert on this same news programme has just confirmed that “April has been a very wet month”.  Fucking genius!!!


Thoughts Confirmed: Car Drivers Are Spastics

Thoughts Confirmed: Car Drivers Are Spastics


Having spent the last 10 years riding through Winter on a variety of hideously unsuitable sportsbikes, this will be my first ever on four wheels.

I’m sure most of you have seen my videos from last year riding in the snow – the most noteable where I took out my near-1000hp per tonne Kawasaki ZX9R Ninja and attempted to get through the snow to a main road to get to work.  When I did reach the main roads, they were almost as bad, and I eventually gave up when I started sliding backwards and sideways down a hill.

At the time this wasn’t exactly ‘fun’, but looking back now I have to say I rather enjoyed the challenge, and am especially glad to have caught it on camera!

And while bad, this wasn’t the worst!  A few years before I’d ridden my Honda VFR750 FM down more than 10 miles of abandoned roads covered in 6″ of snow, passing many cars which had given up.  Ironically, this journey also ended with me sliding backwards down a hill within sight of my house, and I had to dump the bike in a safe place for the night.

Now THAT was both very scary and very kick-ass!

I love to do stuff that nobody else has done.  Stuff that nobody else would even attempt to do!

If that involves using some actual skills and talent then it’s a proper bo bonus!


So I booked up a skid-pan training course to do in the car.  And the snow hit yesterday with my course still a few weeks away!  Doh!

Now, I’m fully aware that I’m still a rookie driver, even though I’m eager to grab any advanced training that I can.

Right now I’m no Driving God.  OK, so I have to slow down my thinking to drive cars, because it all happens so much slower than on a bike.  Apparently this biking stuff has taught me to be a perfectionist on the controls, actually THINK about the whole driving experience, and plan well in advance.

And THAT’S the problem!

Come on!  If I can be smooth and not crash a 16 year old rustbucket on skinny tyres, then what the Hell is every other flid doing on the roads?

I have renamed the Bromsgrove-Redditch dual carriageway ‘Flid Road’, because every single day some fuck-tard manages to crash and close it off!

Honestly, I’m the Rookie and yet nobody else has a -ing clue about how to drive as soon as they’re faced with adverse conditions?  It’s shocking!

Or maybe it’s because I invested in a Madcatz steering wheel controller for the Xbox 360, and if I can get a TVR Cerbera around Mugello on road tyres, a snowy commute in a Fiat Uno just isn’t going to challenge my skillz?