My Little Ghosty, Skinny And Boney

My Little Ghosty, Skinny And Boney

I’ve seen ghosts for as long as I can remember.

I think it runs in my family – my Mum definitely has the ‘talent’, but I think I’ve got it even stronger. Maybe even more of a reason not to have kids!

But I have a regular ghost that I see fairly often.

Obviously, I’ve spoken to other mediums about it, and, even more often I’ve had other mediums tell me about it before I mention it.  Some tell me it’s my Spirit Guide.

I’m not entirely sure I believe in Spirit Guides, but I guess it would explain it.

What I see, is a shape out of the corner of my eye – almost like a shadow but more like… a person seen by the half-light of the moon. If I turn my head to look – it’s gone.

A few times, I’ve seen it much clearer – but still as a dark shape. I’d say without a doubt it’s male, and about my height, but other than that I can’t really make out much detail.

The clearer times that spring to mind when I’ve seen him were once stood in my hallway, and I saw him dart past the kitchen door so vividly that I thought it was a real person, and had to check! Another time I was in the graveyard with a few mates, and I looked towards the church to see him watching us from one corner.  He slunk slowly back out of sight after a few long seconds.

But the fleeting corner-of-the-eye visions are so frequent I don’t even bother mentioning them anymore!

I’m not scared when I’ve seen him. I don’t really feel anything.

If he is my Spirit Guide, then if he’s doing his duty then I’m protected by him!  A few mediums have said that there’s a man who rides on the back of my bike with me keeping me safe. I have been very lucky on several occasions, so maybe there’s something in it!

The name that keeps cropping up from others is someone Roberts, or possibly Robert someone. And he was possibly in the navy around the 1930s. Read into that what you will.  I just know what I see.

Occasionally I’ll see a ghost regularly for a period of time – then won’t see it again. This one did freak me out:

When we used to keep horses, I’d go to the stables after school or college to help out. From my house, I’d have to walk through the graveyard, and then down this tiny old path to get to the stables.

At the top of this path was a ‘Kissing Gate’ – one that you have to open, step to the side of it, then close it so you can step past it. I honestly can’t remember if it was dusk or broad daylight when all this happened…

I’d walk through this gate, which would close behind me with a metallic sound. But every night for 2 weeks, I’d get about 20 or 30 yards down this path, and then hear the gate close behind me again. It was strange – the wind couldn’t move the gate – it was a sound that was only made when someone opened it and let it swing closed again. I’d turn around, but nobody would be there – so I’d carry on.

On the last night, I heard it yet again, and turned around…. And saw a little girl stood in the middle of the path.

She was a bit pasty-looking, but solid enough – long thick dirty-white dress to her ankles, long hair tied back in a ponytail – in short, she looked like some fucking 10 year old kid from a black and white photograph.

She wasn’t exactly looking at me – more just through me, as if I wasn’t there. Nothing REALLY scary about her… except…

I’ve seen so many films and read stories about ghosts, that it’s these that freaked me out.

You know the type where they hear a noise, so they look behind them and see something in the distance, then as they turn back the way they were headed, it’s

THERE!!!!!!

RARRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

RIGHT IN THEIR FUCKING FACE TWO INCHES AWAY SCREAMING AND SLOBBERING WITH BIG POINTY TEETH AND LETHAL TALONS!!!!!!!!!

RARRRRRR!!!!!!!!!

So I was edging down the path backwards, terrified to turn around because of a few fucking movies and books. Eventually I got my head back together and turned the fk away.

Of course, when I looked back once more – she’d gone.

I think I may have even seen her twice.

I’ve since heard my mates re-telling this story, and in traditional style, she’s morphed into to scary little Freddy Krueger type girl, singing nursery rhymes and skipping with a rope. Nice – but what you read here is the original, straight from the horses (helpers) mouth!

I think this little story is why ‘The Others’ freaks me out so much, because of the similarity to parts of the film…

And don’t worry – there’s plenty of really scary ghost stories yet to come!!!!

Revenge Of The Spiders

Revenge Of The Spiders

Most of you are by now aware of my raging war against my sworn mortal enemy – the spider.

Well, it’s not ALL spiders.  A few weeks back, one of the other Legal Monkeys discovered a small spider on his desk.  He named him ‘Pablo’, and Pablo was a good spiddy, who never caused anyone any harm.

I saved him from the be-gloved hand of the cleaners several times, but whilst on holiday Pablo was brutally drowned in another of the Legal Monkeys can of Coke.

Not long before that I discovered ‘Lifty’ – a house spider who very weirdly would lay on his belly and lift all his legs in the air if you blew on him.

He’d gone before I could get the HD cam out for proper footage the following morning.

Fast forwarding to later that week, another huge (Bad) spider was having a swing around my house, no doubt planning all kinds of hairy-legged badness – and of course, being over the size of a small childs fingernail had to be killed for the sake of all humanity.

As he was a big ole bad boy, I couldn’t risk him grabbing hold of my Ginty Stick and beating me to death, so I drew my trusty air pistol and shot him.

It seems that this filthy great lummox of a spider had some connections, and last night I was the victim of a violation of terrible proportions…

As I sat alone on the couch, watching ‘The Inbetweeners’, I felt a wee itch on my shin.  I idly scratched at it only to feel it itch even more.

Thinking I had a fly up the leg of my jeans, or some fluff or something, I grabbed the leg of my jeans and gave it a good wiggle, and then

A BIG FILTHY GREAT SPIDER DROPPED OUT ONTO THE CARPET!!!

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I was sick in my mouth a little with the shock, and the only small pleasure I could try and take from the whole ordeal was watching Legrape The Spider running around in circles as the legs on one side were all damaged where I’d scratched at him through my jeans!

After a while I put a sock over my hand and gently punched him to death.

The spider

SCREW YOU, LEGRAPE!!!

SCREW YOU!!!

Yeah, So I Lived In A Haunted Cottage – I turned Out (kind-of) OK!

Yeah, So I Lived In A Haunted Cottage – I turned Out (kind-of) OK!

I’ve mentioned in previous blogs that I’ve had ‘encounters’ with ghosty-type stuff.

From when I was about one year old until I was 5, I lived in a tiny cottage with my Nan, Mother, Grandparents and brother. It was one of those Tudor (?) type ones – all black and white and beams and stuff. My Grandparents (on my Mothers side) both died when I was young, so I’m a little hazy over the timelines. Actually there’s a story about my Gran I’ll have to tell, too…

One of my earliest memories is us all sitting in the living room, and hearing footsteps walking across the room above us. At the time it was my Grandparents room, and there was a big double bed in the middle of the room. The footsteps would go straight through the bed, but my Granddad would simply say “She’s walking again.” And that was it. It was also a regular thing to hear someone descending the stairs, then when they reached the bottom, the door at the bottom of the steps would blow open with some ‘freak gust of wind’. And to us it was just normal!

I have to tell this story: Once my Gran was really ill with an ulcer on her leg which had burst. She was bed-ridden. People would go and check on her through the day, and take her food etc.

One day, when someone went to check on her, she said “Who was the visitor I had earlier?”

She hadn’t had any visitors that day. But she insisted “She was sat on that chair over there with a baby in her lap. She didn’t say much, but she had a nice smile.”

Of course, it was put down to her illness and delirium…

When my Grandparents had both died (come to think of it my Granddad died in that room of a massive heart attack!), me and my brother had separate beds moved into that room. Now, I only remember it as being every so often, but apparently every single night I slept in that room, I would wake up screaming.

But I DO remember the reason.

I would wake up, and there’d be no air. The bedclothes were over my head. I was in darkness and the air was getting thin. Usually this was when the panic hit and I’d start screaming until good old Mumsy came in and got me out.

But I was a bright kid (believe it or not), and so sometimes when it happened – and I can remember doing this – I’d stay calm, and work my way around all the edges of the bedclothes, trying to find a way out. All the time in the pitch black with the air going and panic rising. But I could NEVER find a way out – however much and for how long I searched, I’d have to scream for help eventually…

Some relevant facts we found out more than 10 years later:

The ‘apparition’ (there’s plenty more sightings of her by lots of people) is thought to be Miss Morris.

It’s believed she had a baby, but for some reason (possibly post-natal depression) she killed her baby….

……….By suffocating it in its cot.

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Rough Sex Buggy Style!!!

Rough Sex Buggy Style!!!

So, you think you’ve had some rough sex in your time, do you?

Felt like you’ve fucked a cheesegrater so hard that it snapped your back?

Still nothing on these little blighters, I’m afraid:

Bizarre Gender-Bender Bugs Baffle Scientists
By Charles Q. Choi
Special to LiveScience

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Scientists have discovered a real gender-bender of a bug, a species in which most females impersonate males.

Past research had already revealed the male bugs possessed fake female genitalia.

“We ended up uncovering a hotbed of deception,” said evolutionary biologist Klaus Reinhardt at the University of Sheffield in England. “Nothing like this exists anywhere else in the animal kingdom.”

Reinhardt and his colleagues investigated remote and dangerous bat caves in East Africa for the bloodsucking African bat bug (Afrocimex constrictus), a close relative of the bed bug. The bats were reportedly hosts for Ebola and other lethal viruses.

“We had to work in containment suits with full-faced respirators in sweltering temperatures for hours at end,” Reinhardt said. Sex among bat bugs (as with bed bugs) is violent.

During copulation, males of these species pierce the abdomens of their mates with their genitals and ejaculate directly into their blood.

The researchers originally set out to investigate bat bugs in the hopes of shedding light on “one of nature’s strangest phenomena — why males had female genitalia,” Reinhardt said.

Unlike bed bugs, male African bat bugs have bogus female genitals—a fact the scientists freely call “bizarre.” Past research found they mate with each other as well as with females. Although the sham genitals are convincingly intricate, they do not have a covering over them as real female genitals do.

Surprisingly, the scientists have now discovered that female African bat bugs practiced gender-bending also by impersonating males. Only one out of six females possessed conventional female genitals, while the rest had genitals resembling the fakes seen on males.

By masquerading as males, females enjoy less sexual attention. Given that sex leads to wounding in these bugs, Reinhardt and his colleagues suggest avoiding the trauma of sex makes sense. Indeed, the researchers discovered females that impersonated males had far less fewer than more conventional females.

As to why any females still retain conventional genitalia given the wounds they accrue—”no idea,” Reinhardt told LiveScience. Normal females might lay more eggs, “but in order to address this question you would need controlled lab studies, and we have not yet succeeded in breeding these animals.”

It also remains a mystery as to why males possess sham female genitals. Scientists think the males might genitally stab any adult bat bug, so one conjecture as to why males evolved bogus female genitals involves guiding stabs to relatively safe parts of the anatomy.

“Our results suggest that the battle of the sexes is a very powerful evolutionary force which can result in very bizarre adaptations,” Reinhardt said.

Reinhardt and his colleagues will detail their findings in a forthcoming issue of the journal American Naturalist.

We All Know You Aren’t The Police!!!

We All Know You Aren’t The Police!!!

The rest of the title should read: “So Stop Putting Your Fucking High-Viz Vest On The Parcel Shelf!”.

And here starts my rant…

I’m sure we’ve all seen it.  You’re driving down the motorway when suddenly brake lights come on in front of you, because there’s some Tit-Head sat in the middle lane at 60mph with a high visibility vest on full display on the rear parcel shelf.

WHY?!?!

“Ooh, look at me!  I’m a High-Viz Wanker!”

Yes, yes you are!  And well done for getting hold of a high-viz vest. 

So which exact type of High-Viz Cunt are you?  Builder?  Security Guard?  Lollypop -ing Lady???

You’re a twat!

I know WHY you do it – it’s because you think in your tiny little deluded and self-important mind that it makes you look like you’re a Police Officer, and so all the nasty drivers won’t overtake you or drive too closely to your shitty 1992 Rover Vitesse.

Well go shove your head up a dead badgers ass!

You know the only people who DON’T put their high-viz vest for all to see?

It’s the fucking Police!

Next time I see your idiotic ass with a high viz vest on display, I will ram you off the bastard road, set your car on fire, and piss on your burning eyeballs.

Stop being a big glowing retard and stop fucking doing it!!

Cunts.