Revenge Of The Spiders
Most of you are by now aware of my raging war against my sworn mortal enemy – the spider.
Well, it’s not ALL spiders. A few weeks back, one of the other Legal Monkeys discovered a small spider on his desk. He named him ‘Pablo’, and Pablo was a good spiddy, who never caused anyone any harm.
I saved him from the be-gloved hand of the cleaners several times, but whilst on holiday Pablo was brutally drowned in another of the Legal Monkeys can of Coke.
Not long before that I discovered ‘Lifty’ – a house spider who very weirdly would lay on his belly and lift all his legs in the air if you blew on him.
He’d gone before I could get the HD cam out for proper footage the following morning.
Fast forwarding to later that week, another huge (Bad) spider was having a swing around my house, no doubt planning all kinds of hairy-legged badness – and of course, being over the size of a small childs fingernail had to be killed for the sake of all humanity.
As he was a big ole bad boy, I couldn’t risk him grabbing hold of my Ginty Stick and beating me to death, so I drew my trusty air pistol and shot him.
It seems that this filthy great lummox of a spider had some connections, and last night I was the victim of a violation of terrible proportions…
As I sat alone on the couch, watching ‘The Inbetweeners’, I felt a wee itch on my shin. I idly scratched at it only to feel it itch even more.
Thinking I had a fly up the leg of my jeans, or some fluff or something, I grabbed the leg of my jeans and gave it a good wiggle, and then
A BIG FILTHY GREAT SPIDER DROPPED OUT ONTO THE CARPET!!!
I think I was sick in my mouth a little with the shock, and the only small pleasure I could try and take from the whole ordeal was watching Legrape The Spider running around in circles as the legs on one side were all damaged where I’d scratched at him through my jeans!
After a while I put a sock over my hand and gently punched him to death.
SCREW YOU, LEGRAPE!!!