Angelina Is Not Pretty!

Angelina Is Not Pretty!

After having previously ranted about ‘Unfunny’ Owen Wilson, who seems to be ruining every comedy film of the last 5 years, I feel it’s only right to focus on some of the Hollywood wenches who piss me off.

One of the most publicised stars of the big screen over the last 10 years is the stunningly beautiful Angelina Jolie.

All women want to BE Angelina.

Those huge lips… beautiful looks… her sexiness and attitude…

She’s been voted World’s Sexiest Woman in just about every magazine – both those aimed at men AND women.

Men drool over her.

*sound of a record scratching to a halt*


Right from back in 1995 when she was in ‘Hackers’ I was one of the few left there with a look on my face like I’d farted halfway through a yawn, whilst everyone raved about her.  Don’t get me wrong – she’ ‘ok’.  I’d probably fuck her till her nose ran if I was high on crack and she was grinding on me like an old rickety collie having a fit.  I’d agree she probably was the perfect choice to play Lara Croft.

Only… I’m not a Geek, and video game characters don’t turn me on either.  So I stayed silent about this – until recently…

Have any of you seen ‘Changeling’ yet?

She.  Looks.  Rough.

Does anyone disagree with me here?  It’s only now that I can point out her big half-moon concave looks-like-someone-kicked-a-football-into-her-chops that I’ve found HIGHLY disturbing in all her films!  And that includes Mr And Mrs Smith – which I think is her best film.

And that brings me to something else!  She’s EVERYWHERE, right?  Star of a million great films – the best actress of our time etc, right?  Umm… and then you actually take a good look at the list of films she’s been in:

# Wanted (2008)
# Changeling (2008)
# Kung Fu Panda (2008) (voice)
# Beowulf (2007)
# A Mighty Heart (2007)
# The Good Shepherd (2006)
# Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005)
# Alexander (2004)
# The Fever (2004)
# Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004)
# Shark Tale (2004) (voice)
# Taking Lives (2004)
# Beyond Borders (2003)
# Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (2003)
# Life or Something Like It (2002)
# Original Sin (2001)
# Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001)
# Gone in Sixty Seconds (2000)
# Girl, Interrupted (1999)
# The Bone Collector (1999)
# Pushing Tin (1999)
# Playing by Heart (1998)
# Hell’s Kitchen (1998)
# Playing God (1997)
# Foxfire (1996)
# Mojave Moon (1996)
# Love Is All There Is (1996)
# Hackers (1995)
# Without Evidence (1995)
# Cyborg 2 (1993)
# Alice & Viril (1993)
# Angela & Viril (1993)
# Lookin’ to Get Out (1982)

Well slap me ’round the face with a dehydrated chicken if there aren’t only about FIVE damned films in that list that even scrape into the Good Film category – let alone Great Films!

I have nooooooooo idea what the majority of those films are.  Sky Captain and the World Of Tomorrow?!??!  They’re making that shit up now!

So what is it?  A winning personality?

Umm… isn’t she a bit of a morbid bitch who likes knife-fighting with her sexual partners?  Three marriages?  Possible affairs?  And she seems to be adopting like it’s a new fashion (which is still FAR better than buying tiny fucking rat-dogs).

Do you know what I think?

I think ALL her publicity and status is created by women.  Women who are jealous of her because she’s porked Brad Pitt… and even more so because she ‘won’ him from Jennifer Aniston.

Kind-of ironic…

Cash For Gold Aren’t Your Friends Shocker!

Cash For Gold Aren’t Your Friends Shocker!

You’ve all seen the millions of adverts on TV offering to buy your old unwanted gold (What?  Maybe they’re aimed at dragons who need new bedding material?) for ‘the best price’.

Would it surprise you if I told you the companies you see are spending vast sums of money on advertising?  Would it surprise you more if I then said they have to make that back through offering you crap prices on your gold?

*takes deep breaths and tries not to snarl*

I’m pretty sure even you ‘Merkins, Dutchies and Croats will be subject to the same kind of adverts, so we can all relate on this one.

Anyway, I just popped in (did I just say “Popped in”???) to the local cash-for-gold money shop type place – not because I’m a crack-head selling my nephews toys, before you ask – to find two lovely old ladies hunched up at the desk window talking to the cashier.


Twenty minutes later the hideous old biddy fucks were STILL there, evidently going through every single damned piece of gold they’d ever managed to steal in their 476 miserable piss-stinking years, including 3 boxes of Terry’s All Gold and 2 boxes of Frosties Lucky Charms.

Each time the girl behind the counter (who at least was nice to look at whilst I was there, sweating in my leathers), would bite their necklace or whatever they do and give them a price that they’ll buy it for.

The Old Biddies would then reply “Oooh no!  We bought that in Jersey for £159 and that was half price!  We won’t do it for £40!” and variations thereof.

Right.  Number 1, you’re selling your gold AS SCRAP.  Nobody gives a kippers dick if it was your fifth husbands prized gold penis plug – it weighs x amount so you get the set sum of cash for it.  Yes, this is low.  Yes, this is a rip-off.  Serves you right for stealing your Aunt Mabel’s ring collection when she died and trying to sell them.

Number 2: If you’re getting shitty offers for the first 400 items you’ve asked them about, there’s every chance you’ll get similar shitty offers for the next 9041 items you hand over.  I would have LOVED to hear this:

“We paid nearly £500 for that from a decapitated Jew who told us it cost four times that if you tried to sell it on the 5th of May in Siberia.”
“Ooh we’ll give you £650 for that one!”
“Will you?!?!??!?”
“No.  £20.”

So after accepting the total offer of £60 for the very first two items they’d shown (I’m not bitter at all), they eventually doddled off to go down the Doctors office or whatever else Old Biddies do when the sun isn’t out.

Despite my inner ranting, I stood there very calmly and very still.  OK, so mainly this was so I didn’t sweat to death, but that’s besides the point.  Ranting in your own head or at traffic is perfectly fine and normal.  Umm, right?

The middle-aged man who came in behind me (after I’d been waiting 20 minutes, I should add) didn’t seem to get this idea.

He paced around, loudly tutting and saying stuff under his breath every time a new bracelet was passed over such as “Oh God!” and something that sounded like “For cooks sake!”.

At least I’m only rude in my head.

Oh, and one thing that did make me laugh… as the Old Biddies were hobbling out into the warm Spring air wearing three thick coats each, one said to the other:

“Isn’t it getting warm in here?”

Nuff said.