The Longest Kneedown

No, this isn’t a blog about Tulisa getting slapped in the face with a cock in her sex video – this is about the beatiful exhileration that is scraping your knee on a bike.

Normally, all you get is a split second of scraping as you take the corner, and then you’re back up again. If this was your first touchdown at this point you’ll be marvelling at just how LOUD the scraping of plastic on tarmac can be.

Living close to a very unique section of road – The Redditch Cloverleaf – means that bikers in this part of the world get to experience this near-constant radius collection of four left hand bends, which are technically national speed limit (70mph). It’s probably thanks to this that I am far more proficiant at scraping my left knee in corners than my right. Accross the rest of the UK you’ll find most bikers prefer scraping their right knee, mainly due to practise on islands.

I thought I’d upload an example of what is probably my longest kneedown, having spoken about my slowest, fastest, and just doing it in general previously:

Is there anywhere else that can provide longer knee-scraping antics? I thought maybe Gerrards at Mallory Park – but although this corner may be longer, you go a lot faster through it, so probably get through the corner quicker overall.

What’s the longest you’ve done it for?

Did you think Tulisas pink tracksuit was sexy?

My Favourite Road – Bridgnorth To Ludlow

As a biker, I’m happy to just jump on the bike and ride.  It doesn’t matter where I’m going, or for how long.

Much as I hate paying almost £1.40 for a litre of Super Unleaded petrol, I WILL pay it and have fk all to show from it apart from a smile on my face and slightly less rubber on my tyres, and maybe less plastic on my toe and kneesliders.  Yeah, screw you Society!  That’s how I roll!

Of course, I do have my favourite destinations.  The Redditch Cloverleaf is almost impossible to resist anytime I have to ride past and the roads are dry.  I mean, you simply pull off the dual carriageway and scrape your knee around the four corners and then carry on in the direction you were headed as if nothing had happened.  It really is Heaven.

Except this year the road surface on the Cloverleaf is rather shocking… The tarmac is broken and very rough on EXACTLY the line you want to be taking around there!

Anyway, enough about that – what I really wanted to blog about here is one of my favourite roads.

It’s the B4364 that runs from Bridgnorth to Ludlow.  It’s over 22 miles through some of the most beautiful Shropshire countryside, and has everything from open straights and fast sweeping corners to mega-tight OFM (“Oh Fuck Me!”) twisties.

Ludlow itself is a very nice place for a stop-off, as is Bridgnorth – and the Quatt Biker Cafe just outside Bridgnorth is always a mecca for bikers of all kinds who drop in for a bacon sandwich and a coffee.

At the Ludlow end of the B4364, if you head in the opposite direction towards Kidderminster, you cross the stunning Cleehill – where you’ll see a lot of my bike photographs are taken.

This was a lovely sunny day, so I got the Veho HD10+ mounted on the bike and decided to get footage of the whole of the B4364, at legal speeds to show how it is still a lot of fun to ride without being silly.

I hope you enjoy this and don’t criticise my riding too harshly!

Look, McDimbo – That Does Not Work Out Cheaper Does It?

Look, McDimbo – That Does Not Work Out Cheaper Does It?

So I park my bike up next to the main windows, quickly check my tyres to feel the temperature and see if there’s anything left on the left-hand side (that Cloverleaf tears up your tyres),  take off my helmet, and stride in through the doors like some kind of Knight In Biking Armour.

As I approach the counter, I slip the rucksack off my shoulders and unzip it ready to put my food in.

The McEmployee calls me over and asks if they can take my order.

Oh yes, they can.

“Could I have a Big Mac and Large Fries, please?”

“JUST a Big Mac and fries?”  She looks at me like I’ve gone mad.

“Yes, a Big Mac and LARGE Fries.” I correct, just in case.

“Don’t you want the meal?”

Here’s where my ‘You Tithead’ look drops over my face like a dead monkey falling out of the Happy Tree.  I glance at my Shoei helmet on the counter, and yes, it does appear that I’m still wearing full leathers.

“No, I don’t.”  If I’d wanted the fucking Meal, I’d have asked for the fucking Meal!  Give me some credit!

“It works out cheaper.”  McDimbo advises, like he’s getting one over on The Clown.

Now, by this stage I’ve totally lost it.  I knew it was coming, but we can all hope that this time will be different.

You may have noticed that I didn’t go through the Drive-Thru.  It would be awkward to lean over to the windows, and I’d spend about 20 mins taking kit off and putting it back on again to pay and stow stuff away.

AND WHERE THE McFUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO PUT THE DRINK???

Hence I want a Big Mac and Large Fries.  I once used to believe these were available without some kind of Siamese bloody drink attached.

That bit, although it makes me want to tear off McDimbo’s face and spew down her nose-hole, is kind-of forgivable.  People are stupid, and even those that aren’t sometimes don’t think things through.

But I can’t forgive this line:

“It works out cheaper.”

HOW does it *puts on a silly high voice* “work out cheaper”????

A Big Mac and Large Fries costs £3.09.

A Big Mac Meal, which includes Regular (note not Large) Fries, and a Regular Drink – and this costs £3.10.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but paying a penny more to get a drink I can’t fucking take with me, and smaller Fries than I want, DOES NOT ‘WORK OUT CHEAPER’!!!!!!

“No, just the Big Mac and Large Fries, thanks” I say through a psychotic smile.

Bunch of fucking clowns.