Right, first off, even that title pisses me off. It’s fucking CHRISTMAS – not ‘the Holiday Season’, ‘the Festive Period’ or whatever else you dumb cunts keep trying to change it to!
I’m not religious, but even I know it’s bloody Christmas!
This year, most of us sensible ones will have managed to do almost all our CHRISTMAS shopping online.
So how in the blue-knobbed CHRIST are you all still pissing about in the shops like a bunch of stray mental patients???
It’s Hell out there! I mostly use one of those self-scan thingies at the local supermarket to dodge the queues, but now all the Christmas Numpties have caught on to it, too. Except that they can’t fucking grasp the concept of scanning the bar code on an item and then putting it in the designated area. Look, it’s hard, so fuck off back to the tills and let me get on with it!
And what’s happened to all those smug bastards who started their Christmas shopping back in July? I’ll tell you what’s happened – they’re in those bastard crowds of shoppers still!
Next year, if you tell me you’ve started buying Christmas presents before mid-November “to beat the rush”, I am going to kick you in the cunt. Hard.
And yes, I do understand that the majority of the braindead twats shuffling about the place are buying essentials like food for Christmas. And let me just tell you something:
THE SHOPS ARE CLOSED FOR ABOUT TWENTY FOUR FUCKING HOURS!
You’re not going to starve to death! Stop buying like there’s a nuclear war coming, then we can all relax and just shop normally!
And what’s with all the wheelchairs and stuff?
Is it just me, or is every cripple in the UK out for a joyride at peak shopping times this year?
It’s no wonder so many shops are going bust – I couldn’t even get to the damn stuff for Wheeley Old People (get it???) in Shopmobility carts, fatties being wheeled around on oversized skateboards, and any other immobile cunt they can put wheels on and push into the busiest crowd they can. And yes, this includes YOU, with your pushchair that’s bigger than a 1950’s Cadillac!
And all this to the lovely accompaniment of the same songs we’ve heard every shitting year after year after year after year after year…
Even without having some tit coughing their Christmas Cheer down the back of my neck, whilst his dozy lummox of a wife abandons her shopping cart in the middle of the aisle AGAIN as she waddles off to poke a mince pie three aisles down, Christmas Music sends me almost instantly psychotic.
Talk about bringing out the misanthrope – mine comes out like a trap-door spider covered in tinsel and anger!
If I haven’t killed you – hope you have a great Christmas.