Spy Didn’t Padlock Himself Into Bag Shocker!!!
I made the mistake of switching the 1 O’Clock News on today. The lead story?
An inquest has found that an MI6 operative might not have padlocked himself inside a sports bag in his own bathtub.
This is wrong on soooooo many levels, that whilst I calm myself and stop making spakka noises at the TV, I shall give you a link to the full story:
MI6 officer inquest shown bag closure attempts
Footage of separate attempts by two experts to lock themselves into a bag has been shown at the inquest into the death of MI6 officer Gareth Williams.
The body of Mr Williams, 31, from Anglesey, was found in a holdall in the bath of his London flat in August 2010.
William MacKay, who said his military career made him adept at working in confined spaces, struggled to shut the bag and he caused damage to the zip.
Peter Faulding said it was very awkward and the “temperature rose fast”.
Mr MacKay told the inquest – which is trying to establish whether Mr Williams was locked in the bag by another person or did it himself – that locking the bag was a skill that would have required training but that once a person had done it, they could not get out.
He added: “There are people around who can do amazing things and Mr Williams may well have been one of those persons.”
But the next expert witness, Mr Faulding, said that he had tried and failed to lock the bag from inside 300 times – and added that he was sure it could not be done.
And so on…
Right. First off are they trying to say that someone went all David Blane and put a holdall in the bathtub, climbed into it, padlocked it, and then tried to Houdini their way out? Or that they climbed inside for some very bizarre emo suicide attempt? And wouldn’t using a hammer be easier if it was the latter?
Secondly, how the fuck is this the primary news story today?! Note that this actually happened in 2010! This is just the Government/Judicial system spending millions to find out, two years later, whether it’s possible that someone else may have been involved. I could have saved them all time and money by saying OF COURSE SOMEBODY ELSE WAS PROBABLY INVOLVED!!!
*Feel free to send me a message through WordPress if you need an Expert Witness for any similar cases – I offer discount rates for block bookings.*
And then, THEN we get to the core of this! This was an MI6 operative – or a Spy in laymans terms. So essentially this is another ‘Spy Gets Murdered’ shocker story! A bit like a ‘Soldier Gets Shot At’ shocker, or ‘Government Are Dumbass Cunts Who Rip You Off Yet Again’ shocker.
Anybody who’s ever watched James Bond or even Austin Powers will be aware that spies kill each other. It’s sort-of what they do.
Surely, the first person who found this mans body padlocked inside a bag in his bath immediately thought “Shit, someone’s murdered Agent Gaz!”, rather than “Oh wow! Gareth seems to have accidentally killed himself by climbing inside a holdall and padlocking it!”?
Am I missing something here or has every other cunt gone mental whilst I wasn’t looking???
BONUS FLIDDISHNESS: As an aside, the weather expert on this same news programme has just confirmed that “April has been a very wet month”. Fucking genius!!!