Look, McDimbo – That Does Not Work Out Cheaper Does It?

Look, McDimbo – That Does Not Work Out Cheaper Does It?

So I park my bike up next to the main windows, quickly check my tyres to feel the temperature and see if there’s anything left on the left-hand side (that Cloverleaf tears up your tyres),  take off my helmet, and stride in through the doors like some kind of Knight In Biking Armour.

As I approach the counter, I slip the rucksack off my shoulders and unzip it ready to put my food in.

The McEmployee calls me over and asks if they can take my order.

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Oh yes, they can.

“Could I have a Big Mac and Large Fries, please?”

“JUST a Big Mac and fries?”  She looks at me like I’ve gone mad.

“Yes, a Big Mac and LARGE Fries.” I correct, just in case.

“Don’t you want the meal?”

Here’s where my ‘You Tithead’ look drops over my face like a dead monkey falling out of the Happy Tree.  I glance at my Shoei helmet on the counter, and yes, it does appear that I’m still wearing full leathers.

“No, I don’t.”  If I’d wanted the fucking Meal, I’d have asked for the fucking Meal!  Give me some credit!

“It works out cheaper.”  McDimbo advises, like he’s getting one over on The Clown.


Now, by this stage I’ve totally lost it.  I knew it was coming, but we can all hope that this time will be different.

You may have noticed that I didn’t go through the Drive-Thru.  It would be awkward to lean over to the windows, and I’d spend about 20 mins taking kit off and putting it back on again to pay and stow stuff away.

AND WHERE THE McFUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO PUT THE DRINK???

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Hence I want a Big Mac and Large Fries.  I once used to believe these were available without some kind of Siamese bloody drink attached.

That bit, although it makes me want to tear off McDimbo’s face and spew down her nose-hole, is kind-of forgivable.  People are stupid, and even those that aren’t sometimes don’t think things through.

But I can’t forgive this line:

“It works out cheaper.”

HOW does it *puts on a silly high voice* “work out cheaper”????

A Big Mac and Large Fries costs £3.09.

A Big Mac Meal, which includes Regular (note not Large) Fries, and a Regular Drink – and this costs £3.10.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but paying a penny more to get a drink I can’t fucking take with me, and smaller Fries than I want, DOES NOT ‘WORK OUT CHEAPER’!!!!!!

“No, just the Big Mac and Large Fries, thanks” I say through a psychotic smile.

Bunch of fucking clowns.

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Holiday Rage

Holiday Rage

Right, first off, even that title pisses me off.  It’s fucking CHRISTMAS – not ‘the Holiday Season’, ‘the Festive Period’ or whatever else you dumb cunts keep trying to change it to!

I’m not religious, but even I know it’s bloody Christmas!

Stop.  It.

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This year, most of us sensible ones will have managed to do almost all our CHRISTMAS shopping online.

So how in the blue-knobbed CHRIST are you all still pissing about in the shops like a bunch of stray mental patients???

It’s Hell out there!  I mostly use one of those self-scan thingies at the local supermarket to dodge the queues, but now all the Christmas Numpties have caught on to it, too.  Except that they can’t fucking grasp the concept of scanning the bar code on an item and then putting it in the designated area.  Look, it’s hard, so fuck off back to the tills and let me get on with it!

And what’s happened to all those smug bastards who started their Christmas shopping back in July?  I’ll tell you what’s happened – they’re in those bastard crowds of shoppers still!

Next year, if you tell me you’ve started buying Christmas presents before mid-November “to beat the rush”, I am going to kick you in the cunt.  Hard.

And yes, I do understand that the majority of the braindead twats shuffling about the place are buying essentials like food for Christmas.  And let me just tell you something:

THE SHOPS ARE CLOSED FOR ABOUT TWENTY FOUR FUCKING HOURS!

You’re not going to starve to death!  Stop buying like there’s a nuclear war coming, then we can all relax and just shop normally!

And what’s with all the wheelchairs and stuff?

Is it just me, or is every cripple in the UK out for a joyride at peak shopping times this year?

It’s no wonder so many shops are going bust – I couldn’t even get to the damn stuff for Wheeley Old People (get it???) in Shopmobility carts, fatties being wheeled around on oversized skateboards, and any other immobile cunt they can put wheels on and push into the busiest crowd they can.  And yes, this includes YOU, with your pushchair that’s bigger than a 1950’s Cadillac!

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And all this to the lovely accompaniment of the same songs we’ve heard every shitting year after year after year after year after year…

Even without having some tit coughing their Christmas Cheer down the back of my neck, whilst his dozy lummox of a wife abandons her shopping cart in the middle of the aisle AGAIN as she waddles off to poke a mince pie three aisles down, Christmas Music sends me almost instantly psychotic.

Talk about bringing out the misanthrope – mine comes out like a trap-door spider covered in tinsel and anger!

You bastards!

If I haven’t killed you – hope you have a great Christmas.

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