GTA V Heists

GTA V Heists

FINALLY, Rockstar have released the heists update that they’ve been promising us for years!

I have to say, I was rather enjoying reading the comments on their pages every single time they released anything (and they have released loads of totally free content) where people would have a major whinge!

I played GTA 5 pretty much for my whole life since its release.  It was only when I got Dragon Age Inquisition for Christmas that I stopped playing it.

So, after my near-3 month gap, I waited a few days knowing the servers would crash, and logged in for the updates.

They took ages, followed by nothing actually working, anyway.

I then gave it a few days and tried again.

This time, I could get into lobbies promising heist stuff, which then either kicked me out or something weird happened.  One time I go to do a set-up for a heist, which involved me having to play some shitty ‘snake’ type game to hack something or other.  Then it was all over, and I couldn’t do anything else, so logged off.

Well, you would log off, wouldn’t you?  I wanted to shoot people in the face-bone and rob banks.  Not play fucking shitty 80s mobile phone games!!!

Last night, I tried one more time.  I had to play Snake AGAIN for hours, as I tried to guide the shitty light through a maze instead of anything anyone in the fucking world ever would want to do on a game.  Fuck you, Rockstar.

I tried a few set-ups of my own, where I’m funding stuff and Level 4 people send you messages saying “Pay me $100,000 or I’m leaving the game” – I’m level 177 you ignorant 12 year old fuck!  Or some I joined where the leader was set to take $270,000 cut from the heist whilst paying me $40,000!

WTF are you rubberheads on?!?  Unsurprisingly, most people drop out before anything happens, so you spend hours on GTA these days sat waiting in lobbies, or playing fucking Snake for fuck-all cash.

Then I managed to meet some of my crew, and got down to proper heist action!

We all had some banter over our headsets, before jumping on a dustbin lorry and thraping it around, picking up bin bags and shooting people in the face-bone, at last!

The online experience really can be awesome when you’re actively chatting and having a laugh with people!  I know this applied even before the heists – I’ve spent many hours playing online just because I was having a laugh with real people from all over the world as we played.  ‘Tis very good!

It seems that a few things have changed in the few months I was away.

Firstly, how the Hell is everyone else so skint??  I have about 4.7 million in the bank, so I guess that puts me in a good position to run the heists, as someone has to pay up front for them.  I will be setting some up for the crew.

Technically, I have less now, because the second thing is a couple of new vehicles that I bought.  The only really notable new vehicle is this:

The Karin Karuma.  A sportscar that feels like one, but it’s got filthy great big plates of armour all over it that actually WORK!  This means you can sit your whole crew in there and blast some f00’s out the window in safety.  It does understeer a bit, and is far from the best handling car, but it will outdrag a Double T bike – so it’s not shabby!

And there is (at last) a homing missile launcher, so you can get that irritating twat in the Buzzard who keeps picking you off.

I believe playing heists will unlock more vehicles and weapons.

It is proof that Rockstar listen to us, and you can’t fault them for keeping a game alive that’s been around for a while and is still the greatest!  And there’s more to come…

Just FFS get rid of ‘Snake’.

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Drug Driving Is Officially Illegal From Today!

Drug Driving Is Officially Illegal From Today!

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According to a few news sources (who as a rare treat are actually pedalling important news that isn’t about some granny falling off a stage), today, new rules come into force to crack down on people driving under the influence of drugs.
Whilst in theory, this means less chance for people like me to get squished by big white vans stinking of ganja at 8 in the morning, it also grinds on me like an ugly stripper that you suspect has herpes, and wants to rub her damaged bits on you.
It seems that by swab tests at the roadside or ‘other tests’ back at the Police station, they can now catch you and charge you.
And it’s pretty hefty, too – 1 year minimum driving ban.  I don’t fully understand the measurements they use to identify a positive test, but they look pretty low.
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And there lies our first problem…
I have no problem with people injecting whatever drugs they like into their eyeballs or up their snouts, but if this is going to catch someone who had a sly joint 2 days ago, it’s not a good thing for anyone.
Then there’s the fact that they WILL also test for legal medication, and you can still be charged. In one link I saw this:
“People using prescription drugs – including morphine and methadone – will not be penalised if they use the drugs within the recommended amounts.”
Whoa!
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So, you’re telling me that somone with a trace of cocain in their system is more of a danger on the roads than someone who’s just had a legal dose of methadone? I’ve never had a legal dose of methadone, admittedly, but considering it’s take to replace a hit of heroin, I’m pretty sure that the dosage will fuck you right up. A trace of a stimulant drug that speeds up your reactions, vs some meth head in his dream world?
Who exactly has made these decisions?
Secondly, where the Hell did this all spring from?
I literally only saw an article this morning.  If I’d had my usual prescription dose of crack before jumping on my bike, I could have been banned!  Or, in more serious terms – did you have time to check and arrange other transport instead of risking your prescription meds?
And lastly, I do wonder how this all compares to the tits who STILL use their mobile phones whilst driving?
And I mean, every single day I see lots of drivers with them, texting away in their lap without even looking at the road for seconds at a time.
That’s, what? A £60 fine when they get caught? Not that they ever do…
I can’t help thinking that I’d fancy my chances more against a driver on LSD than some twat updating their Facebook status as they drive…
https://i0.wp.com/www.canadadrugfree.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/AP_12_17_2012_43559083_L.jpg

50 Shades Of Grey – Acceptable Porn

50 Shades Of Grey – Acceptable Porn

I had this rant back in 2012.  I’m pretty sure the whole of society managed to agree on the fact that the books were utter shite.

Well, apparently not.

We have been treated to the film version!

Oh yes! Some skinny wench with ribs hanging out everywhere is now up on the big screen with her brooding-yet-powerful and equally as wooden co-star, and you get to sit in a cinema paddling away at your pink bits while everyone pretends to laugh about it all.

So here is my original blog on the ‘phenomenon’ – just replace the word ‘book’ with ‘film’ and feel free to go at it again:

You have probably been battered around your lady-parts lately by all this excitement over the book ’50 Shades Of Grey’ by E. L. James.

Everyone is going mental over it… err… ok – so by ‘everyone’ I mean the same kind of women who went mental over the Harry Potter books.  Of course, with this book being of actual adult material, it’s been attracting the interest of even more people than the scarf-wearing geeky twat for retards.

And speaking of twats – that’s pretty much what 50 Shades Of Grey is all about!Don’t get me wrong – I’m all for porn.  Just stop trying to dress it up as something else!

http://allpicturespink.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/bad0b0-1-lovelyass-dons-erotic-black_and_white-sexy-woman-romantico-my-favs-new-black-and-white-sexi-ladies-sensual-erotic-girl-dress-sexyseductive_large.jpg?w=584

Oh, sure – they’ll call it ‘erotic fiction’, but essentially that just means it’s all the writing from pornographic magazines compiled and expanded without the pictures.And ‘erotica’ is never just about straight sex anymore.  It’ll be whips, chains, spanking, klyster suits and two girls eating each others shit out of a cup!

Yes, I AM a bitter ex-writer of erotica – and I’ve had this rant before about how ‘erotica’ these days can’t just be about a couple having sex.  Apparently it’s not ‘sexy’ until a toy soldier gets shoved up someones arsehole.

So this book is pretty much designed to get women, in the words of ‘The Inbetweeners’, frothing at the gash.There will be lots of one-handed reading going on, if you know what I mean?

Even more astounding given this fact, is that so many people are trying to get hold of second-hand copies off others!?!

“Are the pages stuck together?”  Would be my first question!  Then I’d also be purchasing some disposable gloves and anti-bacterial gel.

I suppose one good thing that will come from this mass hysteria is that it may open up the market for erotic writing again… So maybe I should start reposting the stuff I used to put up for Sex Blog Thursday on MySpace?

Nasty Evil Ninja Rants

Nasty Evil Ninja Rants

It’s been a long time since I gave you all a bit of the personal touch on this blog.  Not in the creepy uncle or Catholic priest way – I mean, showing you a little of me that’s usually hidden… err… no, that’s not right, either…

Whatever, you pervy sick little monkeys!

I was off ill recently (nearly died, got over it, not one to moan etc), and made what I always know will be a bad mistake: I switched on the news.

I lasted about 15 minutes before boiling over.

Blind People

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Don’t worry – I’m not going to slag them off or kick their dogs! This was a whole article on the national news because they’ve spent God knows how much of our money on a study.

“To learn what?” I hear you cry!

Well, apparently to learn that “Britain’s streets are an obstacle course for blind people”.

ORLY?

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You’d think they’d learn to look where they’re -ing going, or something, wouldn’t you?

I didn’t even hear the rest of that one, switching off in a huff and firing up Dragon Age Inquisition.  I imagine that they were proposing nobody moves anything that’s on the street, or we set up -ing conveyor belt systems to hoof the blind around safely.

Don’t get me wrong – full respect to the blind who manage to get around, but I think even they will realise that it’s an obstacle course out there because THEY CAN’T -ING SEE!!!

A Pink Van

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In a 10 minute long feature, Labour were banging on about their new pink van.

“Is it to highlight that all politicians are big jumbly dog penises?”

No, no it is not.

It’s a big pink van that they’re driving around, because this will inspire all the women to vote.

If I had a vagina I’d be rubbing it all over that van in thanks!  “I can vote Labour because they have pink -ing vans!” I’d cry orgasmically in my little suffragette voice (possibly whilst throwing myself under the wheels?).

Not only was this such a fantastic idea that they felt we all needed to know about as ‘news’, but they even had an interview with, in their words, “The Mastermind” of the project.

The -ing dumbass patronising gimp who had some drugged-up idea that women seeing a pink van will want to vote for the owners??

I see a van and I think “Oh look, someone’s going to lift me and torture me in the back on a piss-stained mattress!” – but if it’s pink and tells people to vote then I guess it’s money well spent.

https://i2.wp.com/thirtyhertzrumble.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/free-candy-van.jpg

Autographs

We’ve all seen it.  The latest ‘celebrity’ is around, and so hoards of people pack around them excitedly, waving things for them to sign.

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But why?

Is it just me who finds the whole thing a bit weird? I mean, why would you want the signature of someone you don’t know?  Or someone that you DO know, thinking about it! Unless you’re trying to forge a postal order and go back in time to a Post Office where you can still cash them!

People whinge about stars like Guy Martin – who openly says he doesn’t know what anyone sees in him, and doesn’t want the publicity – because he seems reluctant to hang around for 4 hours signing his name on beer mats, old dildo receipts, and ladies nipple-parts!

It’s because you’re all -ing weird!  What are you going to do with it?

Put it in a book to keep to show the grand children who won’t give a shit?

You could put it on your smartphone and file it along with that firework display you eagerly recorded for NOBODY EVER to watch, or that gig you stood at the back of looking like a modern day candle-holding twat.

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Good day to you, Sirs.

When cars don’t want bikes to filter through traffic…

When cars don’t want bikes to filter through traffic…

(or “How to make a car driver look like a proper knob!”)

Why do they do it?

If everyone rode a bike there wouldn’t ever be any traffic jams!

By stopping me going past you, you’re effectively making me behave like a car, causing you and everyone else more delays!

It seems crazy to me that some countries still won’t let bikes legally filter or lane split.

Just let them go past, people!

Oh, and you also get to meet my new beast – Yes, I’ve bought a Honda VTR Firestorm!  1000cc’s of V-twin thunder!

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Crying For Christmas

Crying For Christmas

Merry Christmas to one and all!

Or apparently not, this year – because it looks like everybody wants you to have a fucking cry.

Cute isn’t enough for this festive season – we need a good dose of empathetic misery.

John Lewis released their TV advert this week featuring a penguin who gets all lonely and the boy keeping him gets him an, err, female penguin for Christmas. (then someone sits there with two toy penguins reenacting their penguin porno – but we won’t get into that!)

Sainsburys have gone for the angle with soldiers.  Aww!  Have a quick cry!

M&S soon followed, and the Coke advert, although I haven’t seen it myself, no doubt features cancer, or something.  And, it’s not ‘The Holidays’, you tits.

Have you seen the newest one?  There’s a car crash and someone loses their leg and both eyes, but some cunt buys them a bag of frosted gingerbread from Lidl and a troop of gibbons sits somberly in their own shit around a dying puppy.

Aww!

I’m not sure if this is some kind of attempt at population control, considering the suicide rate increases ten-fold at this time of year?

Well, I say ‘this time of year’, but feel I should also point something else out:

It’s NOT fucking Christmas!

It’s EARLY BASTARD NOVEMBER!

We’ve just had a Halloween party, and the Zombie Jesus was nowhere to be seen, because the cunt wasn’t born for nearly TWO MONTHS!

By the time the 25th December does arrive, we’re all going to be so miserable and desensitised we’ll think nothing of taking the piss out of the latest AIDS or animal cruelty advert, as we tuck into the Christmas pudding that’s already a month out of date.

Nasty Evil Ninja – Customer Service Master

Nasty Evil Ninja – Customer Service Master

Ahh, with my email address, it’s not too often that I get genuine mistaken emails sent to me! Viagra and viruses, yes – but it’s very rare that anyone will type in ‘yousicklittlemonkey’ instead of ‘BobHodges@hotmail.com‘ or whatever.

But Kate did. And here’s what happened:

> Subject:
> Date: Wed, 9 Apr 2008 12:03:56 +0100
> From: K.****@lboro.ac.uk
> To: yousicklittlemonkey@thisaddress>
> Don
>
> I’m writing to send my apologies, I won’t be attending the AGM next week, I just wanted you to know that it’s not because I have no interest in the club, that’s not the case. In fact I’m not attending because I find the whole club very upsetting.
>
> As far as I can see there is very little point in appointing a committee when the club is, and if allowed to continue in its current state, run by one man. At the last AGM our captain stated that he wanted new blood into the committee, what he meant was that he wanted people who would agree with him to stand by him. I rather unfortunately had a slightly different opinion on the way OUR club should be run to our captain and it was made quite clear to me that any suggestions I made would get no further than dreaming chat in the committee meeting. Does the committee have any say on anything, from the key being taken away for the bar, quads being bought, to where the annual dinner is held?! (interesting that in Neil’s email about the annual dinner, he comments that the boat club is not the preferred venue of the whole club, they why has the committee allowed this to go ahead? again a case of agree with us, or stay out.)
>
> I would expect that during the captains round up at the AGM there will be a moment to thank Marcus and Boris for their hard work with the juniors last summer. Their dedication to the composite (welbeck/loughborough) 8+ was paramount in those kids winning their novice pots at Peterborough. They gave up a number of weekends to take the crews racing, some of the only racing seen by the whole club in the year. I think there are a number of people from the club regularly overlooked despite their best efforts to keep rowing alive. Has George been thanked for his endless work with the club?
>
> On the matter of rowing, or lack of, how does a rowing club survive without a coach? surely a club should revolve around a coach? Loughborough appear to have no direction in rowing and the ARA’S motto of “rowing for all” certainly does not apply at this club. Perhaps “rowing as long as your happy to go along with everything the captain says” should be the new motto for Loughborough. Loughborough as a club is letting down it’s juniors and novice rowers and quite possibly discouraging rowing in the borough of Charnwood.
>
> I’m sorry I won’t be attending but it seems a complete waste of my time and for that matter, everyone’s.
>
> I’d rather that this wasn’t read out to the committee, I’ve already been told my fortunes once by the captain and it’s certainly not an experience I’d like to go through again.
>
> I don’t know how the club should or will go forward but I hope that this years AGM marks the beginning of a new outlook for the club.
>
> Kate
>
> Kate ****
> Research Student
> IPTME
> Loughborough University
> Loughborough
> Leicestershire
> LE11 3TU
> UK
>
> Tel: (crikey, I could even phone her!)

—————————–

RE:
From: (yousicklittlemonkey@thisaddress)
Sent:
11 April 2008 14:22:09
To:
Kate **** (k.****@lboro.ac.uk)

.. > Kate,

I fully understand and sympathise with your position, and apologise for my delay in replying!

A ‘committee’ run by one man is rarely a good idea, however in this case I think the ideal man for the job IS indeed appointed.

You seem to be missing the whole point about agreeing with us. You see, your negative attitude is no good to anyone, really. If we act upon the ‘disagreements’ of certain committee members all willy-nilly, where would that get us?

Neil had to see the back of my hand before he agreed with us. What better place for a dinner than the boat club itself? It promotes a sense of team spirit that we just wouldn’t get from McDonalds! I hope you don’t need the gentle persuasion of a big hoofing knuckley slap from my backhand to come around to this?

I like you, Kate – always have.

Marcus and Boris are indeed in line for recognition at the captains round up. Birdseye Fish Fingers may not seem at first glance to be more than an obligatory ‘thank you’, but let me assure you that we found the proper cod ones! We figured these will soon be surpassing gold in value, plus they’re much more useful than some poxy trophy or a Debenhams voucher. Not George, though. His eyes are too close together and the committee unanimously agreed that he looks a bit too much like that bed-ridden Grandmother from ‘Allo Allo’ for his own good. He will benefit from having to work harder in this coming year before his little piggy eyes see any breaded cod.

On the matter of the actual rowing, I will have to strongly disagree about our lack of direction.

You may have noticed that you are, in fact, sat backwards in the boat? So leave the direction to the damn cox and concentrating on putting your back into it, eh?

This point alone highlights your lack of understanding of committee matters, but then your ignorance really comes to the fore with your statement “rowing as long as your happy to go along with everything the captain says” should be the new motto for Loughborough” confirms that you shouldn’t really try thinking as much as you do. And your unwillingness to follow the directions of The Captain may be cause for revue of your position on the team. Or perhaps you fancy yourself as a bit of a Captain, eh? Little bit of Captain-material in you is there? Fancy wearing the special cap, do you?

No – I thought not, so shup.

I’m sorry that you’re sorry that you’re sorry about attending, because there’s too much sorrow in this world already – and just look what you’ve added to it? Sorrow.

Having already been told your fortunes once by The Captain, it leads me to believe that you are either a non-believer in our Captain’s talent, or are simply against all Gypsy types?

Remember Kate – there is no place for racists or bigots in rowing! I will not be reading this out to the committee – but that’s more to save our Captain’s feelings than to protect you from your inane rantings.

I hope this years AGM marks the beginning of a new outlook for the club. I also hope that in your absence, there will be some of those chicken tikka skewers left at the buffet, which I couldn’t help but notice disappear whenever your snatchy little mitts are around the place.

Have a nice night watching Dirty Dancing in your retro Jimbo And The Jet Set pyjama’s though, if you’re not coming.

Moody pie.

Regards,

Nasty Evil Ninja
MySpace Appointed Official AGM Loughborough Facist Committee Representative

***UPDATE***

Yay! She replied!!!

Subject: RE:
Date: Fri, 11 Apr 2008 14:29:40 +0100
From: K.****@lboro.ac.uk
To: yousicklittlemonkey@thisaddress

Excellent!!!

Don’t fancy standing as a captain for a rowing club do you? I think you’d be brilliant!!!

Sorry, got the .com’s and the .co.uk’s mixed up and you received my rantings instead of the poor soul they were aimed at!!

I will of course put your point of view forward!

The grumpy cow in Loughborough!

————-

RE:
From: Nasty Evil Ninja
Sent:
11 April 2008 15:47:36
To:
Kate **** (k.**@lboro.ac.uk)

> I’d love to be Captain of a rowing team! I know which way the boats have to go and everything!

And you mean your head of committee is a ‘yousicklittlemonkey’, or were you just typing out loud?

Be sure to put my points forward – although I bet that filthy old fortune teller of a Captain will already be expecting it!

Good luck!

Nasty Evil Ninja