Nasty Evil Ninja Rants
It’s been a long time since I gave you all a bit of the personal touch on this blog. Not in the creepy uncle or Catholic priest way – I mean, showing you a little of me that’s usually hidden… err… no, that’s not right, either…
Whatever, you pervy sick little monkeys!
I was off ill recently (nearly died, got over it, not one to moan etc), and made what I always know will be a bad mistake: I switched on the news.
I lasted about 15 minutes before boiling over.
Don’t worry – I’m not going to slag them off or kick their dogs! This was a whole article on the national news because they’ve spent God knows how much of our money on a study.
“To learn what?” I hear you cry!
Well, apparently to learn that “Britain’s streets are an obstacle course for blind people”.
You’d think they’d learn to look where they’re -ing going, or something, wouldn’t you?
I didn’t even hear the rest of that one, switching off in a huff and firing up Dragon Age Inquisition. I imagine that they were proposing nobody moves anything that’s on the street, or we set up -ing conveyor belt systems to hoof the blind around safely.
Don’t get me wrong – full respect to the blind who manage to get around, but I think even they will realise that it’s an obstacle course out there because THEY CAN’T -ING SEE!!!
A Pink Van
In a 10 minute long feature, Labour were banging on about their new pink van.
“Is it to highlight that all politicians are big jumbly dog penises?”
No, no it is not.
It’s a big pink van that they’re driving around, because this will inspire all the women to vote.
If I had a vagina I’d be rubbing it all over that van in thanks! “I can vote Labour because they have pink -ing vans!” I’d cry orgasmically in my little suffragette voice (possibly whilst throwing myself under the wheels?).
Not only was this such a fantastic idea that they felt we all needed to know about as ‘news’, but they even had an interview with, in their words, “The Mastermind” of the project.
The -ing dumbass patronising gimp who had some drugged-up idea that women seeing a pink van will want to vote for the owners??
I see a van and I think “Oh look, someone’s going to lift me and torture me in the back on a piss-stained mattress!” – but if it’s pink and tells people to vote then I guess it’s money well spent.
We’ve all seen it. The latest ‘celebrity’ is around, and so hoards of people pack around them excitedly, waving things for them to sign.
Is it just me who finds the whole thing a bit weird? I mean, why would you want the signature of someone you don’t know? Or someone that you DO know, thinking about it! Unless you’re trying to forge a postal order and go back in time to a Post Office where you can still cash them!
People whinge about stars like Guy Martin – who openly says he doesn’t know what anyone sees in him, and doesn’t want the publicity – because he seems reluctant to hang around for 4 hours signing his name on beer mats, old dildo receipts, and ladies nipple-parts!
It’s because you’re all -ing weird! What are you going to do with it?
Put it in a book to keep to show the grand children who won’t give a shit?
You could put it on your smartphone and file it along with that firework display you eagerly recorded for NOBODY EVER to watch, or that gig you stood at the back of looking like a modern day candle-holding twat.
Good day to you, Sirs.