I don’t get ill very often, but with the onset of old age, when I do get ill these days it’s not a half measure.
So without going into the actual details, I had to see the Doctor the other day – something I try to avoid like, err… the Plague.
Is it just me, or has NOBODY in the last 5-10 years ever been to a doctor and been told exactly what’s wrong with them?
I don’t know anybody. It’s always “stress” or “a virus”, and no doctor will ever seem to give you a definite answer. I sometimes wonder if they’re scared of court cases or not even actually qualified?
“Here, have some useless tablets for a bargain £8 that won’t do a thing. You’re welcome.”
I’ve been lucky in my 36 years to have never had anything seriously wrong with me – but this time was about to be a new experience.
They wanted a blood test and a ‘stool sample’.
I’ve done well to get this far into life without it. I guess the next milestone will be a vet shoving his arm up my arse to play dolly with my prostate – don’t expect a blog about that one, though!
He gave me about 30 pages of paper and a plastic container, which I pocketed quickly.
When in the safety of my own home, I had a good look at the stool sample collection device that I had to use.
So it’s a small plastic tube with about a 20mm diameter. In the screw top lid there was a blue plastic spade attached.
Now the questions started.
How the Hell do I actually use it?
I mean, on a base level I know I have to get my poo into there. But how? And how much?
I may have been shitting through the eye of a needle sometimes, but my rusty brown eye can’t actually SEE, so how am I going to direct some rusty brown water into a 2cm tube?
I briefly considered fashioning a funnel from paper and duct tape like I do for an oil change on my bike.
This would cut down any chance, of, well, shitting all over my own hand like an angry chimp.
But then what’s the happy blue beach spade for?? Do I get points for my artistic talent if I shape my stool into a castle? Or build a ‘Shit in a bottle’ for them?
Maybe I should avoid any messy brown accidents and show the spade up my balloon-knot and try and scrape out something of use?
Or do I hold the blue spade under my undercarriage as I drop a bomb and hope to get a good shovel full to spoon into the container? And if that’s like sticking your tongue out to catch the falling rain, everyone knows more of it lands in your eyes than your mouth.
Are they looking for a pebble or a rock? What do they even need to do to it? Should I just crap in a Transformers lunchbox and fill that baby to the brim for them to make their job easier?
Sooo many questions!
Why don’t they teach you this stuff in school??? I’d already have used the knowledge more than Pythagoras’s Theorum!
Eventually I did accomplish the task, and then just had the walk of shame to casually drop my Finger Of Fudge off in the samples box next to the receptionist.
At least it made the blood test seem enjoyable in comparison!