The Whine About Wine

The Whine About Wine

Why do people get all pretentious and poncey over wine?

I mean, you get looked down on by the Wine Snobs if you buy a bottle that costs less than £5, or if you serve the wrong kind of wine with your meal!

WTF is that about? 

People actually WANT to be ripped off and pay 7 million times more for a bottle than it’s actually worth!  Apparently this means your wine is ‘better’ than a £4 bottle from Aldi.

A screw-top bottle, too!  Eat that!

And wine with different meals?  I sort of agree, up to a point.

And that point is that you can drink ANY fucking wine with ANY fucking meal.

You know, like any other type of drink that you’re not being a twat about?

I do have a few infallible techniques for selecting the best wine, though.

Number one is to pick something that’s on sale.  They’ve finally realised that their wine tastes like ass, and they should try to sell some at the same price as everyone else.

So you’re £6 bottle of suv-ig-non blank is worth £12, and will impress your idiot friends!  Yay you!

Number two is the best picking technique you will ever learn.

My Aunty Joyce taught me this a few years back, and it’s awesome!

You pick up your chosen bottle, and shove your fingers up the bottom of the bottle.

If you can give it a good fingering – take it home.  Like a teenager at the school disco.

Ok, so my Aunt may not have said that last bit, but it does seem that the best tasting wines are the ones with the biggest recess in the bottom of the bottle.  Seriously – try it.

And number three is to check the alcohol content.  Anything over 11.5% is just about scraping through to ‘passable’ – but you should be able to get something over 12%.

This is because all wine is just any old shit the, err, Wine Farmer could grab, that he’s fermented for a bit.  So it tastes like random fermented shit.  I’ve had homemade Tea wine, and parsnip, and rhubarb and probably dead sheep and antifreeze from French Vinyards.

You want to at least ensure that the wine you took twenty fucking minutes in Tescos choosing will get you pissed.

A few (large) glasses of a 13% wine will get you over the sensation of your mouth turning itself inside out because of the fragrant bouquet of bollocks.

And don’t even get me started on Champagne.  It’s carbonated wine, ffs!  ALL of it.  Just because it’s made in one region of France doesn’t mean they should charge more than some cunt with a a Soda Stream and a bottle of Blue Nun!

And as proof that those who know everything about wine actually know absolutely nothing – In Spain once, we witnessed a man who’d bought his date a bottle of fine sparkling wine that he’d undoubtedly paid lots of money for.

He shrugged as he opened it for her, telling her it was Italian, and she looked suitably impressed.

I, on the other hand, was nearly crying with laughter as I watched them sipping on their bottle of Lambrini…


6 thoughts on “The Whine About Wine

  1. Never knew about the bottom of the bottle thing. I’ll give it a go. I do know however that occasionally, higher priced wine (generally bottles that are at least a year old) sometimes *sometimes* tastes better. Here in Canada, a bottle of wine ranges from about $9 Canadian on up. The most I’ve ever paid is $25 for a bottle. When they’re that high priced, I’ve only purchased one, just to see. If it turns out to be magnificent, and makes the moon glow sweeter, and solves all of my problems from the first sip, then I’ll purchase more – generally a half dozen or so, before they run out. Mostly, I end up buying wines that are roughly around the $15 mark.

    Never thought of myself as a wine snob either. I don’t notice “the delicate bouquet, enhanced by the sun-kissed melon drop ooey-gooey flight of birds flying south in France”. My palate isn’t that discriminating – and frankly, I question the palate of those who claim otherwise. That said – I know a dirty sock when I drink it, and have actually shocked myself by sending it back. Once, I drank a glass of what I knew to be a superior Chardonnay, only to find that it smelled of dirty feet. I told my waiter who in turn took the glass back and conferred with his workmates. They all took a taste from the bottle and concluded that it had turned.

    Screw-tops and corks don’t seem to matter anymore. We’re told that screw-tops are actually better because less air gets in. I think they’re better because they cost less for the makers.

    • I’d never thought what the price of our European wines must be like you you lot over the ocean, either? Do you pay a premium just because a wine is French or Spanish?

      Australian wine is pretty popular here for around the same price, and I’ve seen Californian wine but never Canadian…

      I think out of all the wines I’ve had (which includes A LOT of home made stuff!), it’s the branded stuff that has been shocking to taste. There’s one with a cute picture of a fish on it that should really have been a clue as to what it would taste like! Urgh!!!

      Of course the other problem is trying to remember the ones that actually WERE good!

      • Fascinating that you’ve never seen any Canadian wine over there! Our Niagara wines are fairly popular – or at least I think they are. They seem to hold a status similar to that of Napa Valley in California. Someone here isn’t doing their job…..

        I’ve never been a fan of cutesy labels either, and tend to treat them as suspect. For a long time my favourite wines were Australian – notably and especially, Wolfblass. Lately though, I’ve gravitated over to some of the very nice Californian wines, like Robert Mondavi. There’s another brand that’s quite good too: Sonoma-Cutrer (again, out of Calif.): smooth, goes down easy and doesn’t smell or taste anything like feet.

        I guess that’s high praise, huh? “Doesn’t smell like feet”.

        I keep a list of wines that I really like – usually consumed at restaurants. Thank God for the iPhone. : )

        • Probably my favourite at the moment, and I probably lose Man Points for saying this, is a sparkling rose called Beringer. Bet I Google it now and it turns out to be bloody Canadian lol!
          Well, well – turns out it’s from Napa Valley! I never expected that!

          I shall have a look out for Canadian wines locally – definitely can’t remember seeing any, though!

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