How I Got My Head Chomped By A Horse

How I Got My Head Chomped By A Horse

I’ve always liked animals.

As a bonus, almost all animals seem to like me, too!

But, as any TV presenter will tell you – eventually they’ll randomly try to fuck you up.

When I was a young lad of about 4 or 5, I’d already found this affinity with animals starting to grow. We’ve always had pets of some kind, and there used to be a farm on the road I lived on, so we’d often go for walks to see the animals, and mess about climbing the hay bales in the barns and stuff.

One warm summers day, we went to this farm, and my Mum and older brother were talking to the Farmer, discussing how one of the horses was sick, and other assorted farm-chatter.

I was only half-listening, while I wondered off towards the stable doors that surrounded the main yard.

My nearest horsey-target to stroke was Sugar – a horse getting on in years, but usually quite nice.

So I patted Sugar’s nose, ignoring the ears that were suddenly flat against his head (for non-horsey people, that is a Bad Sign), and vaguely heard someone calling a warning to me that the horse was ‘ill’ and ‘grumpy’.

I ignored it and turned back to Sugar…

Then the next thing I saw was darkness.

To be exact, it was darkness and tonsils.

Then the pain came on its merry way, too.

The sounds of people rushing to my aid was lost on me, as I was more concerned that my head was firmly inside a horses mouth, with big chompy teeth clamped around both cheekbones!

Suddenly there was light again, and I realised I wasn’t dead and could now sob to my hearts content, without having to worry about my head being chomped flat.

I had a perfect imprint of both sets of teeth on both sides of my face for a fair old while after that, although I didn’t find it quite as impressive as everyone else seemed to.

I went off Sugar from that point on, and have to admit I didn’t shed a tear a few years later when he went to that big glue farm in the sky.

So, if anyone ever tells you a horse is ‘grumpy’, and you see those ears flatten – run like Hell!

I’m surprised I’m not traumatised for life!

7 thoughts on “How I Got My Head Chomped By A Horse

    • Hey!!!! I’m above that sucker in the food chain, and I should have bit him right back to show him the error of his ways!
      I still haven’t eaten horse – I think due to this memory I owe it to myself to try harder to tick that box!

      • “I still haven’t eaten horse”*

        *that you know of.

        Neither have I. I’m pretty sure I haven’t eaten dog either. Or baby hippos. May have eaten a possum or two but if I did I won’t admit to it, because this is Canada and only people from parts of the southern U.S. eat those. Or so the stereotype goes anyway. Same goes for hedgehog and beaver. (Stop. Resist the urge on that last one)

        I have eaten plastic though. I admit it. Thought it was candy. It was sitting right there on top of a birthday cake. Don’t know about you, but there were six kids in our family, and we had a birthday cake for each of them all the time I was growing up. Each cake had icing, and a great many of them had little signs and numbers, all made out of candy.

        So when I was at that party (I was a grownup by then) and saw yet another decorated cake, I looked around, so that no one was looking, and quickly scarfed down a chunk of the cake decoration.

        Later on, someone asked where it was, so I confessed. “I ate it” I said. The woman looked at me. “Why would you do that?”

        I said “because it was candy, and that’s what you do with candy. You eat it.”
        And she said “it wasn’t candy. It was plastic. It was a plastic decoration.”
        I said “really?”
        She said “yes. Really.”
        I said. “huh. No wonder it tasted so bland.”

        *true story

        • LOL!

          We have these spicy sausage snacks over here called ‘Pepperoni’ – they come in a packet with an additional plastic wrapper around the sausage. It tastes quite good, and I have to admit I normally suck it for a bit before spitting it out. I was talking to one of my mates who said that he always eats that bit, and swore it was edible. “Well how come you can chew it for hours and it never degrades?” was my question to him…

          On a more food-related note, I tried shark for the first time in Bulgaria recently. Well, technically I’ve had shark FIN soup before, and thought it tasted like… an ashtray. I still chanced the proper shark fillet, however, and have to say it could well be my new favourite fish over a good swordfish steak!

          I’ll eat pretty much anything that used to have a face.

          • I’m with you on the “food with a face” thing. I’ve noticed that the veggie stuff doesn’t seem to digest anyway. At least when noticing the aftermath a day or two later. I still don’t get how lettuce retains its shape after going through the horror of my intestines.

            You know – I’m still a little lost about the pepperoni thing, much like your friend. I know they have to cover the meat with some sort of skin, but ….I always thought it was edible too. I always though that skin was the only thing holding it all together. Fortunately I never eat it – I used to, before one of the popular diet plans got their hooks into me over here. Haven’t darkened the doorway of a McDonalds since starting that about 6 years ago either. Digressing…..

    • No damage at all excpet I learned to take note of their ears after that! We actually owned two horses in later years, so although I never got bitten across the face again, I certainly did get bitten in other places! I still think the most painful is when you’re being all gentle, possibly blowing in their nostils or giving them a kiss, then *WHACK* they throw their head back, smashing your nose out the back of your noggin! OUCH!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s