Anti-Wasp Tactics 2011
[This is a yearly re-post to highlight my ongoing battle]
I’ve told in a previous blog about how I had the shit stung out of me by several wasps in the past, and since then I’ve waged war on the black and yellow bastards! (oo-err – that sounds racist!)
This morning, after actually getting some decent sleep for once, I was suddenly wide-the-fuck-awake in bed. My clock read 05:30. Son of a biscuit!!!!
After working up a rage over my bodies betrayal, I lay there in the dawn silence and heard the noise which had obviously awoken me.
*BzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz…. BZZZZZZZZzzz… zzzz… ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ*
A fucking wasp!!! I swear the little shit had some kind of Wasp Megaphone, too!
The small window was open a fraction, and like some kind of little buzzy Ninja assassin, Cunto The Wasp had crept inside to sting me to death as I slept!
Luckily, the net curtain had foiled his initial attack, and the little runt was bouncing around between the window and the netting.
With a bloodcurdling roar, I tore open the curtains, intent on crushing his head like a miniature grapefruit… only to see him successfully negotiate the netting and fly free into my bedroom sanctuary!
My flesh crawled as he flew straight at my face, my hair stood on end, and I uttered a kind of “Gnnn-argunk!!” sound as I flapped wildly and ducked and dived like Prince Naseem Hamed in his prime fighting days!
Jumping from my bed, I went all chameleon – with one eye tracking Cunto, and the other searching for a suitable Squishing Weapon. Then I realised I was naked!
Now, I’ve survived wasp attacks before – having been stung on my back, my legs… even my face. They don’t hurt as much as people like to have you believe (unless you go into anaphylactic shock like some girly poof – QUITTER!!!).
But the thought of that little leaky barb jabbing into the side-wall of my Japs-Eye, or, heaven forbid, emptying his load deep into my scrotum – was not something I EVER wanted to experience!
I focused my own Magical Ninja Powers, and skilfully Boshi-Kenned the nasty bugger back at the window, where I met his attempt to rise again with a stout troll ornament and cracked his thorax like a dropped M&M.
Well, ok – maybe I flapped my hands around like I was signing the commentary to a deaf audience – but it still had the same end result.
My extensive knowledge of the enemy has taught me that wasps emit a distress pheromone which could attract others to his corpse, so I closed the window and gave the carcass a quick “AHHHHHHH!!!!!!” to show it who was the Daddy.
I’m sure this conflict will be repeated over the coming months, as happens every Summer. What can I do?
Is there some substance the little buzzy buggers hate that I could smear around the sides of an open window and they wouldn’t want to get past? Fire is tempting, but not a practical option.
There must be a way. The battle lines are drawn, and I need to prepare my tactics to ensure my survival!
I shall fight them on the window ledges!!!!