I wake up -ing angry. This is mainly because I know I’ll spend the day getting pissed off by dickheads.
Speaking of waking up angry, don’t you just hate it when you get woken up a minute or two before your alarm goes off? A measly two minutes early and suddenly we’re talking full-on rage!
Anyway, it’s the Easter Holidays, when the Zombie Jesus rose from his grave to eat fish, bread and brains, so in His honour, I’m going to -ing rant about people who need to be having their mouths kicked open.
The first is car drivers who drive at 50mph in a 60mph zone, holding everyone up, and then when the speed limit drops to a 40mph zone they STILL carry on doing 50mph through it!
What the fk?!?! If you can’t drive at 60mph because it’s ‘too fast’, then what the FK is going through your head to think you can safely speed through somewhere where the speed limit probably IS there for a reason?
I swear to God I will ram you spastics off the road when I get bull bars fitted to the Mighty Uno!
And what’s with Multi-pack crisps?!
Fine – you pay less because you buy your crisps (that’s “potato chips” or “corn chips” to you ‘Merkin types) in bulk, 6 or 12 packs at a time. But is it just me that’s noticed that these packets are SMALLER than the ones you can buy individually??
Oh right, so you’re going to give us less food and charge us less for it as if we should be grateful?
All that happens is we eat the crisps and find there aren’t enough of the bastards in the bag, so we end up having two bags instead! Then we get fat and you, the Crisp Kingpins, are CUNTS!
And they also pull this shti with beer!
You should ONLY be able to buy beer in 500ml cans, or possibly the ‘full pint’ cans of 568ml. What are 440ml cans for, other than to rip us off with ‘cheaper’ multipacks just like crisps??
The final thing is people names.
In my new position as a Legal Monkey, I have to deal with the names of solicitors. This is fine when it brings such joys as Fiorella Antonella Marchitelli (just say it out loud – it’s beautiful!), but then not much help at all with names like Mr Ranpatabendige Harshadeva Weerawarna Nilaweera. Spell that sucker out phonetically, and that’s your 12 hour shift in!
And don’t get me started on Miss Fathima Sharmila Galpoththegedara Cader Meera Saibuge Jeinulabdeen… (genuine names, these!!!)
Why can’t they just stick to normal names like Tarquinn Piggeldy-Smythe?